英文冷笑话
1. 英语冷笑话
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
2. 经典英语冷笑话故事带翻译
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
3. 你知道哪些英语冷笑话
Improvement
One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?" "Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."
进步
一位学生对另一位说：“你的 英语 最近学的怎么样?”
“很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。”
Half or Five Tenths?
Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths? Gerald: I'd much rather have the half. Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.
Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths. 半个还是十分之五
老师：你愿意要半个柑橘，还是十分之五个柑橘? 杰拉得：我宁可要半个。 老师：仔细想想，说出理由来。
杰拉得：因为你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就损失太多了。
To Go to Heaven
Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want to go to Heaven?
Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home.
去天堂
主日学校的教员：想去天堂的人举起手来，把手举起来。。。你呢，哈里?你还没举手呢-- 你不想去天堂吗?
哈里： 我去不了，因为妈妈让我一放学就回家。
How Many Rabbits?
Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have? Jonathan: Nine, sir. Teacher: Nine?
Jonathan: I've got one already, sir.
多少只兔子?
老师：好，乔纳森，假如我给你三只兔子，第二天我又给你五只，你一共有多少只兔子?
乔纳森：一共有九只，先生。 老师：九只?
乔纳森：先生，我本来就有一只。
4. 一个英文冷笑话，不懂
H2O 是水 的 化学式
H2O2 (跟 H2O too）发音一样 但是 是 过氧化氢 （用于消毒）的化学式
笑话意思：
两个男人走进专了一个酒吧。一个男人点了一杯水 （H2O）， 另一个男人也要一杯水，所以就说了: “ I'll have H2O too (但这跟H2O2同音）。 第二个男人死了
一个喝的是水，一个喝的是过属氧化氢 。
所以第二个就死了
5. 求英语冷笑话
1、white man：are you Black?
black man：no,i'm White。
白人：你是布莱克吗？（BLACK是姓叶有黑人的意思）
黑人：不，我是怀特（WHITE是姓也有白人的意思）
2、Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
冰山和衣刷之间有什么区别？
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
一个 撞 船 一个 刷 大衣！(单词的拼写造成的JOKE）
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似
18.鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。
我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”
够吗？不够我再找！
6. 急 英语冷笑话
day ,a little penguin ask his grandmother,"grandma,grandma,am i a penguin?'"yeah,you are certainly a penguin!'The little ask his father again,"dad,dad,am i a penguin??""yes,you are a penguin,what's the matter??""but,why am i feel so cold????"
There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So they go to the girls house and before entering the girl stops the guy and says.
"My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bunk bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing, so when I say `baloney` it means push harder, and when I say `pastrami` it means push slower."
With this the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "baloney,baloney,baloney" then shouts "pastrami,pastrami,pastrami" and then back to "baloney,baloney,baloney"
Finally, the girls sister says "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there, you`re getting mayonaise all over me!"
1
Q: Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window?
A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
2
Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see the butterfly.
3
Q: Why did the man put the clock in the safe?
A: He wanted to save time.
4
Q: What has two hands and a face, but no arms and legs?
A: A clock.
5
Q: What has a neck, but no head?
A: A bottle.
6
Q: Where is the ocean the deepest?
A: On the bottom.
7
Q: Why did the man throw his watch out of the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
one car come, one car come
two car pangpang
one car die
four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. the nurse comes up to the first man and says, "congratulations, you got twins." the man said "how strange, i'm the manager of minnesota twins." after awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "congratulations, you got triplets." man was like "hmmm, strange i worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "congratulations, you got twins x2." man is happy and says, "ironic, i work for the hotel "4 seasons." all three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing god and banging his head on the wall. they asked him what's wrong and he answered, "what's wrong? i work for 7up"!四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3m公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"呵呵,一个比一个效率高.osama bin laden, a canadian, and president bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. they rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "i will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." the canadian said, "i am a father and my son will be a farmer so i want the soil in canada to be forever fertile." the genie said the magic words and the wish came true. osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. president bush said "genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” it’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." president bush said,” wow! that’s a big bridge...fill it with water!!! 拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"my baby swallowed a bulletyoung mother: "doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. what shall i do ?doctor: "don't point him at anybody."notes1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹2. to point at: 对...瞄准个中意味自己体会吧 :)allybabyonce two hunters went hunting in the forest. one of them suddenly fell down by accident. he showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. the other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. the operator said calmly:"first, you should make sure that he is already dead." then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"what should i do next?" 两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？” fool_fox 标题：i'm the boss内容：the boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "i'm the boss". he then taped it to his office door.later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "your wife called, she wants her sign back!" note:staff meeting:员工会议再来一个：wife's picturea businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.after he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. after he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.the bartender says, "look, buddy, i'll bring you martinis all night long. but you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."the customer replies, "i'm peeking at a photo of my wife.when she starts to look good, then i know it's time to go home." note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈martini 马提尼酒peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看
7. 寻超冷的英语冷笑话，要新颖的。
Why
are
the
stars
so
cold?
为什么星星（明星）这么冷（酷）
Because
there
are
too
much
fans.
因为有许多风扇（粉丝）
8. 求一个简单的英语冷笑话
多给你几个吧！反正都是抄的！希望你能开心！！！He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
9. 英文里“冷幽默”或者“冷笑话”这词怎么说
1.冷幽默：Cold humor
冷幽默，带有一点黑色幽默的成分，但又区别于黑色幽默。可以理解为意图不明显的幽默。当事人在讲一个冷幽默的时候，并没有刻意地要达到幽默的效果，是一种很随意的幽默，笑不笑由你。
2.冷笑话：Cold jokes
冷笑话，是指笑话本身因为无聊、谐音字、翻译、或省去主语、不同逻辑、断语或特殊内容等问题，或由于表演者语气或表情等原因，导致一个笑话不能达到好笑的目的，较难引人发笑而成冷场。
(9)英文冷笑话扩展阅读
由于冷幽默后半部分总会出乎人的意料，所以对冷幽默怀有积极看法的人听得冷幽默越多，冷幽默就会越冷。原因是冷幽默的后半部分总是出乎听者意料之外的。
听者内心总暗示自己，“冷幽默的后半部分内容是猜不到的”，但是人的好奇心却让听者继续猜。最终导致的结果就是“注意力集中和思维地投入”这个思维过程的加长或加深。
冷笑话是一种新兴的语言现象,伴随着网络的普及它已经渗透到了青年群体的日常生活,偶尔爆出的一两句冷笑话能使交流氛围变得轻松愉悦,也能展示交谈者的幽默和智慧。
参考资料来源：网络-冷幽默
参考资料来源：网络-冷笑话