英語笑話

㈠ 英語小笑話帶翻譯100個

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。

英語笑話（二）

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一個大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。

-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

英語笑話（三）

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它們是從美國直接帶來的

一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。

這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」

英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不識字

布朗夫人：哦，

親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

給我那個打贏的吧

-- 服務員，

這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。

-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。

-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。

英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝嗇鬼請客

一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」

「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」

「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。

英語笑話（七）Advice for "Kid"

A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."

忠告「年輕者」

這里想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，

千萬別進退休社區。因為那裡人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，「讓小的干吧。」

英語笑話（八）Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how sty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

哪一位女人？

一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：「世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。」

我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：「媽媽來了？」

英語笑話（九）The doctor lives downstairs

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants recing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

醫生住在樓下

「醫生」她沖進屋後大聲說道。

「我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。」

他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：「太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。」

英語笑話（十）One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

只剩一個引擎

一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭里傳來了機長的聲音：「旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時 。」 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：「各位，你們猜怎麼啦 ？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。」 正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：「看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。」
回答者：lovemydream - 高級經理 七級 7-5 10:08

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Logic Reasoning 邏輯推理

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

邏輯推理

小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這么一個例子：「有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水裡。於是他開始掙扎並喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他並不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什麼？」 一個女生舉手答道，「是不是去取他的存款？」

[注]bank在英語中除了我們平時很熟悉的「銀行」之外，還有「河岸」的意思。

Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？你停止打你老婆了嗎?

This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent『s witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．
「I want『yes』or『no，』」thundered counsel．「There is no need for you to argue the point！」
「But there are some questions which cannot be answered by『yes』or『no，』」mildly responded the witness．
「There are not！」 snapped the lawyer．
「Oh，」 said the witness，「answer this then：「Have you ceased beating your wife？」

這個故事講的是一個咄咄逼人的辯護律師，他慣於盡量去恐嚇對方的證人。
有一個證人有點傾向於在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。
「我要你回答『是』或者『不是』，」辯護律師怒喝道： 「你沒有必要就這個問題進行爭論。」
「可是有些問題無法用『是』或者『不是』來回答。」這位證人溫和地回敬他。
「不存在這樣的問題！」律師厲聲打斷他。
「噢，」證人說：「那麼請你回答這個問題：「你停止打你老婆了嗎？」

Two Birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

兩只鳥

老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？

學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老師：請說說看。

學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

魚網

"你能告訴我魚網是什麼做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。

"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。

昨天夜裡我爸媽表演「混合雙打」

Teacher of Physical Ecation: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？
體育老師：孩子們，你們見過男女混合雙打嗎？

Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

尼克：見過，老師，經常見。就在昨天夜裡我還見過呢！

Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

老師：那你給大家講講當時的情形吧。

Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.」

尼克：啊，對不起，老師。我爸爸常說:「家醜不可外揚。」(

抄的..

㈡ 簡單的英語小笑話

The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants recing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

醫生住在樓下

「醫生」她沖進屋後大聲說道。

「我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。」

他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：「太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。」

㈢ 簡單的英語笑話

1.Are They Worn Out? "No," growled the quartermaster, "you can't have a new pair of shoes. The pair you have aren't worn out." "Not worn out," cried the recruit, " Why, if I step on a dime I can feel if it's head or tails."
還沒穿破？ 「不行，」軍需官大聲說：「你不能領一雙新鞋子，你穿著的那雙還沒有穿破。」 「沒穿破，」新兵叫道：「為什麼？如果我踩到一個一角硬幣，我可以知道踩著的那面是公還是字。」

2.Sunset Father: This is the sunset my daughter painted. She studied painting abroad, you know. Friend: Ah, that accounts for it! I never saw a sunset like that in this country.
日落 父親：這幅《日落》是我女兒畫的，你知道，她曾在國外學過畫畫。 朋友：啊，怪不得！我在本國還從來沒有見過這樣的日落。

3.A Great Man Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today? Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.一名偉人 老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，
他會是一名偉人嗎？ 學生：當然。因為到目前為止，還沒有人活到400多歲。

4.Where is the father? Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!" "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures.
"父親在哪兒？兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。「看，」哥哥說，「這些畫多漂亮呀！」「是啊，」弟弟說道，「可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？」哥哥想了會兒，然後解釋道：「很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。」

5.THREE PEOPLE A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
三個人 有一個人參觀墓地時見到一塊墓碑上寫著：「在這里安息的是約翰凱利，一個律師，一個誠實的人。」「這是怎麼回事！」他叫了起來。「他們在一個墳墓了埋了三個人。」

㈣ 英語笑話大全 爆笑

1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
2.The mean man's party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well,gosh," was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?

㈤ 英語笑話

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老師

9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裡。

"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。

"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。"

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鍾."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鍾."

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四個好朋友在醫院里碰面了,他們的妻子正在生產.護士過來對第一個男人說:"恭喜,你得了雙胞胎."男人說:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼蘇達雙子隊的經理."過了一會兒,護士過來對第二個男人說:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜歡:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最後,護士跑來對第三個男人說:"恭喜,你得了2對雙胞胎."男人很開心地說:"真令人啼笑皆非,我為四季賓館工作."他們三個都很高興,但第四個夥伴急得像熱鍋上的螞蟻,咒罵上帝並用頭撞牆.他們問他有什麼不對勁,他回答道:"什麼不對勁?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一個比一個效率高.

Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that』s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,」 It』s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,」 Wow! That』s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人還有布希總統走在大街上看到一盞金色的燈.他們擦了擦燈出現了一個精靈.精靈說:"我要滿足你們每人一個願望總共三個."加拿大人說:"我是個父親我兒子將成為農夫,因此我想讓加拿大的土地永遠肥沃."精靈說了咒語願望實現了.拉登看了很驚奇,他希望有座城牆圍繞阿富汗.精靈又說了咒語願望又實現了.布希總統問:"精靈請告訴我關於這座牆的事情."精靈回答:"牆厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而裡面的任何東西出不來外面的任何東西進不去."布希總統說:"哇!那是座大橋耶...注滿水!!!"

My Baby Swallowed a Bullet

Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?

Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."

Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一顆子彈
2. to point at: 對...瞄準

個中意味自己體會吧 :)

allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

兩個獵人進森林裡打獵，其中一個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：「第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經死亡。」於是，接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然後聽到那獵人接著問：「第二步怎辦？」

fool_fox

標題：I'm the boss
內容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
note:staff meeting:員工會議

再來一個：Wife's picture
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
note:tavern 酒館, 客棧
martini 馬提尼酒
peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看過v.偷看
He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由於客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家裡沒有乳酪了，於是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片乳酪回到房間，把乳酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把乳酪放進嘴裡說：「孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪裡找到的乳酪？」 「在捕鼠夾上，先生。」那小男孩說。

英語小笑話
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎麼反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了.
THE FIRST TIME

Patient: I'm so frightened, this is my first operation.

Surgeon: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too.

第一次

病人：我很害怕，這是我第一次動手術。

外科醫生：我完全理解你的心情。這也是我第一次動手術
TELEMARKETER

I answered the phone one evening and quickly realized the voice on the other end belonged to a telemarketer.

Good evening, he said, may I speak with Leah Jonason?

She is a baby, I replied.

All right, said the caller, I'll try again later.

電話推銷員

一天晚上我接了一個電話，對方的聲音使我很快意識到他是個電話推銷員。

晚上好，他說，我想和利厄喬納森說話。

她是個嬰兒，我回答說。

沒關系，他說，我以後再打。

A Great Man

Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?

Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.

一名偉人

老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會是一名偉人嗎？

學生：當然。因為到目前為止，還沒有人活到400多歲。
http://www.exam123.com/class/english/engjoke/

㈥ 簡單的英語小笑話(帶翻譯）

1、Boy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. 男孩：這個座位是空的么？ 女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。  

2、Boy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money. 男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？ 女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。 

3、My little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!  Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 

我的狗不識字。布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！ 布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

4、My Wife Will Exchange Them。A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.   ″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.  ″Makes no difference ″replied customer.   ″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.  ″Any″ he responded. 

″Size﹖″ ″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″ 

反正我太太明天會來換的。一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。 「您是要布的還是皮的？」售貨員問。 「沒什麼區別。」這位顧客回答。 「那您要什麼顏色的呢？」售貨員又問。「什麼顏色都成。」他回答。 「號碼呢？」 「您就隨便給我拿一副吧，」這位顧客有點不耐煩了，「反正我太太明天都會來換的。」 

5、A  physics Examination，Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.  The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunder rolls?   

Nick『s answer: Because  our eyes are before ears.   

一次物理考試。在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。這個問題是：為什麼在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。  

6、Jim』s History Examination。Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him  things that happened before the poor boy was born.   

吉姆的歷史考試。舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎麼樣？母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問一些這個可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。 

7、he is really somebody。-- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do?-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.   

他真是一個大人物。-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？-- 墓地守墓人。

(6)英語笑話擴展閱讀：

笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節簡單而巧妙，往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑神來了的奇妙感覺的特點。大多揭示生活中乖謬的現象，具有諷刺性和娛樂性。其趣味有高下之分。

人類歷史上，人自從有了語言，就已經出現了開玩笑的語言，最早，人們以口相傳，後來有了文字，許多笑話便被記載下來，編書成冊。但還有很多笑話，是流傳於民間的，就當今社會，每天都有很多笑話出現，有心人如果收集，我想將來一定會有價值。

同時豐富了笑話的寶庫。隨著近十年網路和手機的飛速發展，隨之出現了網路笑話，網路流行語，給力大全，手機笑話，雷人語句，笑料聯盟等，促使笑話發展到一個新的階段。

㈦ 英語小笑話

1)TOM'S EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go
Slow".
湯姆的借口
老師：湯姆，您為什麼每天上學遲到？
湯姆：我每次路過拐角，一個路標上面寫著："學校----慢行。"
DID YOUR DAD...
2)Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!"
and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"
湯姆對著吉姆罵道:"我受不了你這個苯蛋了!"
吉姆說:"你媽媽能!"
附:bear 有兩重意思:"生"和"忍受"這個笑話正是根據這點.
3)A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鍾."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鍾."
4)Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.When Tommy came back,mother asked him,」Did you buy a good box of matches?」
「Yes,Mum.」Tommy replied,」I have tried them all.」
一盒小火柴
媽媽讓湯米去馬路對面的商店裡買一盒好用的火柴。湯米回來後，媽媽問他，「你買的是好用的火柴嗎？」
「是的，媽媽。」湯米回答，「我把它們都試過了。」
5)Father:Uh,oh,I think I just made an illegal right-hand turn.
Susie:That is okay ,dad,the policeman behind you just did the same thing!
開車
父親：哎呀，我剛才違規右轉彎了。
蘇西：沒事，爸，跟在你後面的警察也這么轉了。
5)Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.」What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?」
「I gave it to a poor old woman,」he answered.
「You』er a good boy,」said the mother proudly.」Here are tow cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?」
「She is the one who sells the candy.」
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆。」他回答說。「你真是一個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說. 「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
7)Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,」What happened?」
「A kid bit me,」replied Ivan.
「Would you recognize him if you sew him again?」asked his mother.
「I』d know him any where,」said Ivan.」I have his ear in my pocket.」
他的耳朵在我的衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口。」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說，「他的耳朵還在我的衣兜里。」
8)Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

㈧ 英文短笑話

1、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

老師：誰能回到我下一個問題，誰就可以回家了。

One boy throws his bag out the window.

一個小男孩把書包扔到窗外。

Teacher: who just threw that?!

老師：誰剛剛把書包扔出去了?

Boy: Me! I』m going home now.

男孩：我!我現在要回家了。

2、What dog can jump higher than a building?

什麼狗比大樓跳的還高?

Anydog, buildings can't jump!

任何一隻狗，大樓又跳不起來。

3、What has a head, a tail, and no body?

什麼有頭、有尾，但是沒有身體?

A coin!

硬幣。

4、What has one eye but cannot see?

什麼有一隻眼睛，卻看不見?

A needle.

針。

5、Wife: "How would you describe me?"

妻子：你會怎麼形容我呢?

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: "What does that mean?"

妻子：那是什麼意思?

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可愛的、令人愉悅的、優雅的、時髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

妻子：哇，謝謝，但是「IJK」是什麼意思呢?

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

丈夫：開個玩笑!

6、Boy: Is this seat empty?

男孩：這個座位是空的么？

Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。

7、My little dog can't read

我的狗不識字

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

布朗夫人：哦，親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

8、My Wife Will Exchange Them

反正我太太明天會來換的

A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.

一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。

″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.

「您是要布的還是皮的？」售貨員問。

″Makes no difference ″replied customer.

「沒什麼區別。」這位顧客回答。

″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.

「那您要什麼顏色的呢？」售貨員又問。

″Any″ he responded.

「什麼顏色都成。」他回答。

″Size﹖″

「號碼呢？」

″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″

「您就隨便給我拿一副吧，」這位顧客有點不耐煩了，「反正我太太明天都會來換的。」

㈨ 有哪些英語小笑話給我來十個（越短越好）

1、英語笑話（一）  

老師在黑板上寫了一句：Time is money.並讓同學們翻譯。有名學生答道：「湯姆是瑪麗。」   

小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?   

老師說：Go ahead.  

小明就坐了下來。過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?   

老師說：Go ahead.  

小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學於是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎？怎麼不去？   

小明說：你沒聽老師說「去你個頭」啊！   

2、英語笑話（二）  

某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am hong tao liu，外賓曰：我TM還是方片七呢！   

3、英語笑話（三）  

江青會見外賓，要求翻譯要嚴格按她的意思翻，不許走樣。外賓一見到江青，立刻拍馬屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻譯照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上還要謙虛一下：「哪裡，哪裡」。  

翻譯不敢怠慢，把江青的話翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外賓一愣，還有這樣的人，追問哪裡漂亮的，乾脆馬屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."  

翻譯：「你到處都很漂亮。」江青更高興了，但總是要客氣一下：「不見得，不見得」。翻譯趕緊翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."  

4、英語笑話（四）   

話說某年某月的某一天，叄個神箭手約在一起比箭，目標是十尺外僕人頭上的蘋果。A神箭手挽弓長射，咻一聲，利箭正中蘋果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM後羿！」  

B神箭手照本宣科，射中蘋果，這回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」  

輪到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 結果正中僕人的心臟。就聽他結結巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」   

5、英語笑話（五）  

某人刻苦學習英語，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞， 忙說：I am sorry.   

老外應道：I am sorry too.   

某人聽後又道：I am sorry three.   

老外不解，問：What are you sorry for?   

某人無奈，道：I am sorry five. 

6、英語笑話（六）  

一位來自日本的旅客，坐計程車去機場的路上，看到一輛汽車經過，就說：「oh，TOyOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」又有一輛經過，他又說： 「oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」司機有點不高興，覺得他太吵了！當第三輛經過時，他還是說：「oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」  

後來到了機場，那個日本人就問：「How Much？」計程車司機說：「1000！」  

日本人驚奇的問司機：「為什麼那麼貴？」計程車司機回答說：「oh，mileometer（計 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」 

7、英語笑話（七）  

傳說柯林頓和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞錯了，把柯林頓送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地獄。發現錯誤後上帝馬上改了回來，路上二人相遇。 精彩繼續教皇：感謝上帝，我終於能見到聖母瑪利亞了（Virgin Maria）. 柯林頓（壞笑中）：Sorry，it"s too late. 

8、英語笑話（八） 

小強去看電影，到了電影售票處，發現一個老外和售票小姐連說帶比得好半天，就自告奮勇的上前做翻譯，售票小姐說：麻煩你告訴她，現在坐票售完了只剩下站票，如果要看要站著看。  

小強轉頭就對老外說：no sit see, stand see. if see stand see. 

老外回答說:Sorry I don』t understand your English.  

小強就對售票小姐說：哦，他說他不懂英文....

踩了一個老外的腳，為了顯示咱國家是有名的禮儀之邦，就先SORRY啦，老外更是禮貌有加，就來個sorry too. 

two??the chinese puzzled.恩，咱中國人還不是得禮尚往來？！~那就I am sorry three~   這下老外蒙了，一句what are you sorry for? 

暈，還有完沒完啊，還FOUR？！~哼，偶跟你卯上了，Iam sorry five~(who怕 who？！~） 

9、英語笑話（九） 

我朋友在南大看到一非洲老外：「hello，你媽是猴兒。」老外用純正的天津話說：「你媽是大猩猩！」 

10、英語笑話（十） 

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.  "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"  "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "                     

「我們有毒嗎？」一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。「是的，親愛的，」她回答說，「你問這個干什麼？」  「因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。」