英語笑話大全

① 英語幽默笑話大全

一、我是單身漢
Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt. A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked. "Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor."

傑克騎車摔傷，得住院治療。一位年輕美貌的護士拿著表格讓填。仞傑克填好遞上表格"還有什麼漏填的？"護士問. "有！"傑克想了想說，"我是個單身漢."

二、死於肝癌的人100%都吃飯
Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.
Husband:It's okey. To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat meals.

妻子：你看這張報紙，據統計，死於肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的。
丈夫：那有什麼？據我調查，死於肝癌的人100%都吃飯的。

三、位置上的冰激凌
"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine."
"Yours?Can you prove it?"
"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."

"請原諒，你佔了我的位置."
"你的位置？你能征明這點嗎？"
"能，我在位置上放了杯 冰激凌."

四、別無選擇
One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?"
Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"
一天，夏娃問亞當："你當真愛我嗎？"
亞當無可奈何地回答："我還有的選擇嗎？"

② 英文短笑話

1、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

老師：誰能回到我下一個問題，誰就可以回家了。

One boy throws his bag out the window.

一個小男孩把書包扔到窗外。

Teacher: who just threw that?!

老師：誰剛剛把書包扔出去了?

Boy: Me! I』m going home now.

男孩：我!我現在要回家了。

2、What dog can jump higher than a building?

什麼狗比大樓跳的還高?

Anydog, buildings can't jump!

任何一隻狗，大樓又跳不起來。

3、What has a head, a tail, and no body?

什麼有頭、有尾，但是沒有身體?

A coin!

硬幣。

4、What has one eye but cannot see?

什麼有一隻眼睛，卻看不見?

A needle.

針。

5、Wife: "How would you describe me?"

妻子：你會怎麼形容我呢?

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: "What does that mean?"

妻子：那是什麼意思?

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可愛的、令人愉悅的、優雅的、時髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

妻子：哇，謝謝，但是「IJK」是什麼意思呢?

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

丈夫：開個玩笑!

6、Boy: Is this seat empty?

男孩：這個座位是空的么？

Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。

7、My little dog can't read

我的狗不識字

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

布朗夫人：哦，親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

8、My Wife Will Exchange Them

反正我太太明天會來換的

A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.

一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。

″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.

「您是要布的還是皮的？」售貨員問。

″Makes no difference ″replied customer.

「沒什麼區別。」這位顧客回答。

″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.

「那您要什麼顏色的呢？」售貨員又問。

″Any″ he responded.

「什麼顏色都成。」他回答。

″Size﹖″

「號碼呢？」

″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″

「您就隨便給我拿一副吧，」這位顧客有點不耐煩了，「反正我太太明天都會來換的。」

③ 英語笑話大全 爆笑

1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
2.The mean man's party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well,gosh," was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?

④ 求簡單爆笑的英文笑話，帶翻譯！

I Wasn't Asleep

When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conctor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"

"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.

"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."

"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."

我沒有睡著

當一群婦女上車之後，車上的座位全都被占滿了。售票員注意到一名男子好象是睡著了，他擔心這個人會坐過站，就用肘輕輕地碰了碰他，說：「先生，醒醒！」

「我沒有睡著。」那個男人回答。

「沒睡著？可是你眼睛都閉上了呀？」

「我知道，我只是不願意看到在擁擠的車上有女士站在我身邊而已。」
The poor husband

"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

可憐的丈夫

「你根本無法想像和我妻子打交道是多麼的難，」一個男人對他的朋友訴苦說，「她問我一個問題，然後自己回答了，過後又花半個小時跟我解釋為什麼我的答案是錯的。」Where is the father?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

父親在哪兒？

兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。

「看，」哥哥說，「這些畫多漂亮呀！」

「是啊，」弟弟說道，「可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？」

哥哥想了會兒，然後解釋道：「很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。」

Does the dog know the proverb, too?

The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

狗也知道這個諺語嗎？

一個小男孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。

「沒有關系，」一位先生說，「不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：『吠狗不咬人。』」

「啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？」

一 Can we have our teacher back？

Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?"

能讓我們的老師回去嗎？

有一次，一位督學去視察一個只有三間教室的學校。一間教室非常吵鬧，因此督學抓住其中一個正在站著說話的人，把他帶進另一間教室，並讓他站在牆角。五分鍾以後，一個小男孩從第一間教室走進來，問道，「您什麼時候能讓我們的老師回去呢？」
二 Who's More Polite?

A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

誰更有禮貌？

一個胖子和一個瘦子在爭論誰更有禮貌。瘦子說他更有禮貌，因為他經常對女士摘帽示意。但是胖子認為他更有風度，因為無論什麼時候他在車上給別人讓座時，總有兩位女士能坐下。
三 Expensive Price

Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.

Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.

昂貴的代價

牙科醫生：對不起，夫人，為給您的兒子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。

母親：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一顆牙只要五美元呀？

牙科醫生：是的。但是您兒子這么大聲地叫喚，他都嚇跑四位病人了

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
一個男人在街上被計程車撞倒送進了醫院.他的妻子站在他的床前對醫生說:"我想他傷得很厲害."醫生說:"我怕他已經死了."聽到醫生的話,這個男人轉動著頭說:"我沒死,我還活著."妻子說:"安靜,醫生比你懂得多."

The busis very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him.
"Hey,let me get on the bus."the man shouts.
"It's too crowded.You'd better take the next bus."a passenger says to him.
"But you can't go withou me.I'm the driver."the man says.
公共汽車上很擁擠.一位男士想上車,但是沒有人給他讓路.
"喂,讓我上車!"那位男士喊道.
"車太擠了,你最好坐下一輛"車上的一位乘客對他說.
"但是沒有我你們走不了.我是司機!"那位男士說道.

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
由於客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家裡沒有乳酪了，於是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片乳酪回到房間，把乳酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把乳酪放進嘴裡說：「孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪裡找到的乳酪？」 「在捕鼠夾上，先生。」那小男孩說。

⑤ 英語小笑話大全10至20詞（帶翻譯）

Two attorneys went into a restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they brought out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

兩個律師來走進一個餐廳自,要了兩杯飲料,從包中拿出三明治開始吃起來.餐廳老闆走過來警告說,「你們不能在這里吃自己的三明治.」

兩個律師對看了一眼,聳聳肩,然後交換了手中的三明治.

⑥ 英語小笑話大全

1、A history teacher and his wife were sitting at a table（一位歷史老師和他的妻子在吃飯）

the wife asked 「Anything new at work」, and he replied", no, I am teaching History".

（妻子問到：「工作上有什麼新鮮事嗎?」丈夫回答說：「沒有，我是教歷史的。」）

2、The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"

教進化論的老師已經滔滔不絕地講了快兩個小時，他的話題又來了：「讓我向進化論者提個問題——如果我們曾經像狒狒那樣長著尾巴，那麼現在尾巴到哪裡去了?」

"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".
「我來試試看，」一位老太太說。「該是我們在這里坐這么久把它們磨掉了吧。」

3、A young couple was becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him.

一對年輕的夫婦對於他們四歲的兒子仍然不會說話這件事非常著急。他們帶他去看專家，但是醫生們找不出任何不正常的地方。

Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."
之後有一天早上，這個男孩突然說道：「媽媽，麵包拷糊了。」

"You talked! You talked!" shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taken this long."
「你說話了!你說話了!」他的媽媽嚷道。「我真高興!但是為什麼要我們等這么長的時間呢?」

"Well, up till now," said the boy, "things have been okay."
「嗯，直到現在，」男孩說，「每件事都很正常啊。」

4、Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.

弟弟：我看見你親我姐姐了，如果你不給我五分錢，我就告訴我爸。

Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.
姐姐的男朋友：不要那樣做。給你五分錢。

Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.
弟弟：我這個月已經賺了一塊兩毛五了。

5、Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。

"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
「看，」哥哥說，「這些畫多漂亮呀!」

"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
「是啊，」弟弟說道，「可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢?」

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
哥哥想了會兒，然後解釋道：「很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。」

⑦ 有哪些英語小笑話給我來十個（越短越好）

1、英語笑話（一）  

老師在黑板上寫了一句：Time is money.並讓同學們翻譯。有名學生答道：「湯姆是瑪麗。」   

小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?   

老師說：Go ahead.  

小明就坐了下來。過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?   

老師說：Go ahead.  

小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學於是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎？怎麼不去？   

小明說：你沒聽老師說「去你個頭」啊！   

2、英語笑話（二）  

某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am hong tao liu，外賓曰：我TM還是方片七呢！   

3、英語笑話（三）  

江青會見外賓，要求翻譯要嚴格按她的意思翻，不許走樣。外賓一見到江青，立刻拍馬屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻譯照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上還要謙虛一下：「哪裡，哪裡」。  

翻譯不敢怠慢，把江青的話翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外賓一愣，還有這樣的人，追問哪裡漂亮的，乾脆馬屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."  

翻譯：「你到處都很漂亮。」江青更高興了，但總是要客氣一下：「不見得，不見得」。翻譯趕緊翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."  

4、英語笑話（四）   

話說某年某月的某一天，叄個神箭手約在一起比箭，目標是十尺外僕人頭上的蘋果。A神箭手挽弓長射，咻一聲，利箭正中蘋果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM後羿！」  

B神箭手照本宣科，射中蘋果，這回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」  

輪到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 結果正中僕人的心臟。就聽他結結巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」   

5、英語笑話（五）  

某人刻苦學習英語，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞， 忙說：I am sorry.   

老外應道：I am sorry too.   

某人聽後又道：I am sorry three.   

老外不解，問：What are you sorry for?   

某人無奈，道：I am sorry five. 

6、英語笑話（六）  

一位來自日本的旅客，坐計程車去機場的路上，看到一輛汽車經過，就說：「oh，TOyOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」又有一輛經過，他又說： 「oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」司機有點不高興，覺得他太吵了！當第三輛經過時，他還是說：「oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」  

後來到了機場，那個日本人就問：「How Much？」計程車司機說：「1000！」  

日本人驚奇的問司機：「為什麼那麼貴？」計程車司機回答說：「oh，mileometer（計 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」 

7、英語笑話（七）  

傳說柯林頓和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞錯了，把柯林頓送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地獄。發現錯誤後上帝馬上改了回來，路上二人相遇。 精彩繼續教皇：感謝上帝，我終於能見到聖母瑪利亞了（Virgin Maria）. 柯林頓（壞笑中）：Sorry，it"s too late. 

8、英語笑話（八） 

小強去看電影，到了電影售票處，發現一個老外和售票小姐連說帶比得好半天，就自告奮勇的上前做翻譯，售票小姐說：麻煩你告訴她，現在坐票售完了只剩下站票，如果要看要站著看。  

小強轉頭就對老外說：no sit see, stand see. if see stand see. 

老外回答說:Sorry I don』t understand your English.  

小強就對售票小姐說：哦，他說他不懂英文....

踩了一個老外的腳，為了顯示咱國家是有名的禮儀之邦，就先SORRY啦，老外更是禮貌有加，就來個sorry too. 

two??the chinese puzzled.恩，咱中國人還不是得禮尚往來？！~那就I am sorry three~   這下老外蒙了，一句what are you sorry for? 

暈，還有完沒完啊，還FOUR？！~哼，偶跟你卯上了，Iam sorry five~(who怕 who？！~） 

9、英語笑話（九） 

我朋友在南大看到一非洲老外：「hello，你媽是猴兒。」老外用純正的天津話說：「你媽是大猩猩！」 

10、英語笑話（十） 

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.  "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"  "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "                     

「我們有毒嗎？」一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。「是的，親愛的，」她回答說，「你問這個干什麼？」  「因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。」

⑧ 簡單的英語小笑話(帶翻譯）

1、Boy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. 男孩：這個座位是空的么？ 女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。  

2、Boy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money. 男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？ 女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。 

3、My little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!  Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 

我的狗不識字。布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！ 布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

4、My Wife Will Exchange Them。A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.   ″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.  ″Makes no difference ″replied customer.   ″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.  ″Any″ he responded. 

″Size﹖″ ″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″ 

反正我太太明天會來換的。一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。 「您是要布的還是皮的？」售貨員問。 「沒什麼區別。」這位顧客回答。 「那您要什麼顏色的呢？」售貨員又問。「什麼顏色都成。」他回答。 「號碼呢？」 「您就隨便給我拿一副吧，」這位顧客有點不耐煩了，「反正我太太明天都會來換的。」 

5、A  physics Examination，Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.  The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunder rolls?   

Nick『s answer: Because  our eyes are before ears.   

一次物理考試。在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。這個問題是：為什麼在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。  

6、Jim』s History Examination。Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him  things that happened before the poor boy was born.   

吉姆的歷史考試。舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎麼樣？母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問一些這個可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。 

7、he is really somebody。-- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do?-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.   

他真是一個大人物。-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？-- 墓地守墓人。

(8)英語笑話大全擴展閱讀：

笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節簡單而巧妙，往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑神來了的奇妙感覺的特點。大多揭示生活中乖謬的現象，具有諷刺性和娛樂性。其趣味有高下之分。

人類歷史上，人自從有了語言，就已經出現了開玩笑的語言，最早，人們以口相傳，後來有了文字，許多笑話便被記載下來，編書成冊。但還有很多笑話，是流傳於民間的，就當今社會，每天都有很多笑話出現，有心人如果收集，我想將來一定會有價值。

同時豐富了笑話的寶庫。隨著近十年網路和手機的飛速發展，隨之出現了網路笑話，網路流行語，給力大全，手機笑話，雷人語句，笑料聯盟等，促使笑話發展到一個新的階段。