英語笑話短文

A. 英語短文小笑話

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy." Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

B. 小學英語笑話小短文

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由於客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家裡沒有乳酪了，於是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片乳酪回到房間，把乳酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把乳酪放進嘴裡說：「孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪裡找到的乳酪？」 「在捕鼠夾上，先生。」那小男孩說。

英語小笑話
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎麼反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了.

C. 英語笑話，小短文帶翻譯。

As the years turn
生日來臨之際
For her 82nd birthday，I surprised my grandmother with a birthday greeting signed by the President. (Upon request，this service is available to seniors over 80.)When I asked grandma how she felt receiving a card from the White House，she had a ready answer. "There's no privacy in this country any more,"she said. "They even keep track of your birthday. "
我奶奶過82歲的生日時，我送給她一份驚奇的禮物—一回張由總統簽答名的生日賀卡。(根據規定，80歲以上的老年人可得到此項服務。)當我問奶奶收到來自白宮的賀卡有何感想時，她毫不猶豫地回答說:「在這個國家，再也沒有隱私了，他們就連你的生日都追蹤著。」

D. 英語小短文或者小笑話

笑話
1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

兩只鳥

老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？

學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老師：請說說看。

學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

魚網

"你能告訴我魚網是什麼做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。

"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老師

9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裡。

"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。

"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考試

在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。

這個問題是：為什麼在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？

尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。

短文
My family
I love my family, because I have a happy family. My father is an English teacher. His name is Jacky. He is thirty-eight. He likes playing basketball. What』s my mother job? Is she a teacher? Yes, you』re right! My mother is very kind and nice, she is thirty-seven. My mother is always laborious work. I love my parents! On Saturday and Sunday, I often go to the library and play the piano, My father go to play basketball. Sometimes, we watch TV and listen to music at home. I love my family. Because I』m very happy to live with my parents together!
我的家庭 我愛我的家庭,因為我有一個快樂的家庭. 我的爸爸是一名英語教師,他的名字叫Jacky.他今年38歲.他非常喜歡打籃球.我的媽媽是趕什麼呢?她是一名教師嗎?是的.你說對了!我的媽媽是一個很親切、友善的人,她今年37歲.我媽媽總是勤勞的幹活.我愛我的父母. 在星期六和星期天里,我經常去圖書館和彈鋼琴.我爸爸去打籃球.有時侯,我們都在家看電視和聽音樂. 我愛我家.因為我和爸爸媽媽一起生活得很開心!

My Room
This is my room. Near the window there is a desk. I often do my homework at it. You can see some books, some flowers in a vase, a ruler and a pen. On the wall near the desk there is a picture of a cat. There is a clock above the end of my bed. I usually put my shoe under my bed. Of course there is a chair in front of the desk. I sit there and I can see the trees and roads outside.
我的房間
這是我的房間。 在窗口附近有一張書桌。 我經常在那做我的家庭作業。 您能看有些書，有些花在花瓶里，一把格尺和筆。 在牆壁在書桌有貓的圖片。 有一個時鍾在我的床上的末端。 我通常把我的鞋子放在我的床下。 當然有一把椅子在書桌前面。 我坐那裡，並且我能看外面的樹和路
Skating
Mom bought me a pair of skating shoes at my fifth birthday. From then on, I developed the hobby of skating. It not only makes me stronger and stronger, but also helps me know many truths of life. I know that it is normal to fall, and if only you can get on your feet again and keep on moving, you are very good!

滑冰
媽媽買了我一雙冰鞋鞋子在我的第五個生日。 從那時起，我愛好滑冰。 它不僅使我越來越加強，而且幫助我知道生活許多真諦。 我知道摔倒是正常的，並且，如果只有你能摔倒後再站起來，就是非常好!

The Sea
What do you know about the sea? Some people know about it, but others don』t. The sea looks beautiful on a fine sunny day, the sea is very big. In the world, there is more sea than land. Do you know Hainan Island? It』s really very nice. We can see beaches, trees and the sea. We can swim and visit a lot of beautiful places.
海
你對海知道些什麼？ 某些人知道關於它，但其他不。 海看起來美麗在一個美好的晴天，海是非常大的。 在世界上，比土地有更多海。 您是否知道海南島？ 那非常好。 我們能看海灘、樹和海。 我們可以游泳和參觀很多美好的地方。

Computers
Computers are changing our life. You can do a lot of things with a computer. Such as, you can use a computer to write articles, watch video CDs, play games and do office work. But the most important use of a computer is to join the Internet.We don』t need to leave home to borrow books from a library or to do shopping in a supermarket.
Computers help us live a more convenient life.
計算機
計算機改變我們的生活。 您能做很多事用計算機。 例如，您能使用計算機寫文章，手錶錄影CDs，戲劇比賽和完成辦公室工作。 但對計算機的最重要的用途是加入Internet.我們不需要離開家去從圖書館借用書或在超級市場做購物。
計算機幫助我們居住更加方便的生活。

Smiling
I think smiling is as important as sunshine. Smiling is like sunshine because it can make people happy and have a good day. If you aren』t happy, you can smile, and then you will feel happy. Someone may say, 「But I don』t feel happy.」 Then I would say, 「Please smile as you do when you are happy or play with your friends happily. You will really be happy again.」
Smiling can let you have more friends.So I say, smiling is like a flower. It will give you happiness.
微笑
我認為微笑是一樣重要的象陽光。 微笑是象陽光，因為它可能使人愉快和有一個早晨好。 如果您不是愉快的，您能微笑，您然後將感覺愉快。 某人也許說， 「但是我不感到愉快」。 然後我會說， 「請微笑，您，當您愉快地是愉快或戲劇與您的朋友。 您真正地再將是愉快的」。
微笑可能讓您有更多朋友。如此我說，微笑是象花。 它將給您幸福。

Sunday
It was Sunday and I didn't have to go to school. I finished my homework the day before. So I decided to help mother do housework. I washed some clothes after I got up. Then I went shopping with a basket. I bought some meat, eggs and some vegetables in the market. After I came back, I started to cook dinner for the whole family. In the evening, I sat at the table and began to write down on my notebook what I had done ring the day.
星期天
它是星期天，並且我沒有必須去學校。 我前一天完成了我的家庭作業。 如此我決定幫助做家事。 在我起來了之後，我洗了一些衣裳。 然後我帶著籃子去購物。 我在市場上買了一些肉、蛋和有些菜。 在我回來了之後，我開始為全家烹調晚餐。 在晚上，我在我的筆記本寫下什麼我白天做了什麼。

春天：Spring
Spring is a delightful season. The temperatures are moderate, and the blooming trees and flowers make the city bright with colors. This is the time when we can begin to wear lighter and more brightly colored clothes and go outdoors more often. Smaller children like to bring their kites out to the spacious square. Also I enjoy going back to the village on this holiday after being in the city for the winter months.
春天是個讓人欣喜的季節.氣溫適中,掛滿綠葉的樹和盛開的花朵給城市增添了明亮的色彩.在這個時節里,我們可以穿上輕便靚麗的衣服經常出門去了.小孩子們則喜歡在廣闊的天空中放風箏.在城裡呆了一個冬天之後,我也喜歡回到村子裡度假.

夏天：
Summer is the great season for all sports in the open air. It is the season for football which is often called the national sport because of its popularity. I usually watch television and read the newspaper reports about the football results of the little leagues. During the summer I like to go to the beach often because it is very close to my home. I usually go there ring the summer vacation to relax after many months in school in the city. I feel very comfortable with the familiar quiet life of the villagers.
夏天是戶外運動最好的季節.這是一個橄欖球的季節,橄欖球由於廣受歡迎被稱為全民運動.我常常看電視,看報紙,從報道中獲得小聯盟橄欖球賽的比賽結果.夏日裡,我喜歡經常去海灘,因為那裡離我家不遠.在城裡的學校呆了幾個月後,暑假我常常去那裡放鬆一下.此處有我很熟悉的村民們的寧靜生活,這讓我倍感舒適.

秋天：Autumn
For me the autumn or fall starts in September when school starts its new term. I usually do some shopping. The mild weather made it very nice to study outside under the trees in a small park close to my house. I like to look up the leaves changing colors from green to red and yellow, and then brown colors. The park also has many bright fall flowers; sometimes I see a small squirrel coming down from the tree to hunt for food on the ground. On the weekends, I sometimes like to fly my kite. Usually on the street corners you can see street peddlers selling warm baked sweet potatoes. This is a nice time of the year.
我覺得秋天是在9月份新學期開始的時候來臨.我常常要去買一些東西.宜人的天氣讓我感覺在離家不遠的小公園的樹下學習是件非常愜意的事.我喜歡抬起頭看蓍枝頭上的樹葉由綠變紅,變黃,然後再變褐.公園里還有許多鮮艷的秋花.有時我會見到小松鼠從樹上跳到地上覓食.在周末,我有時會去放風箏.在街頭的拐角處,常常會有街頭小販在賣烤紅薯.秋天是一年中的好時節.

冬天：Winter
Winter is very cold and windy in most parts of China. I usually look forward to the Spring Festival and the winter holiday when I can go to the south where the climate is warmer ring these holidays. Also, I look forward to seeing my grandparents and my friends. Winter is the time everyone is in a festive mood. In the city, I usually do a lot of reading at home in the winter because of eh cold weather outside.
中國大部分地區的冬天是即冷又有風的。我總是盼望著春節或寒假，到時候我就可以去南方了，當地的氣候在這時會暖和的多。我也盼望著去探望我的祖父母和我的朋友。冬天，每個人都懷著喜慶的心情。在城裡，冬天的時候我經常待在家裡盡情地看書，因為外面的天氣非常的冷

E. 一篇英語笑話短文 300字左右 有翻譯的

3 Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes. The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here's a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman." "Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?" "They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once. "Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.". 迪克年齡七歲，他的妹妹凱瑟琳五歲。一天，媽媽把他們帶到姨媽家去玩，自己就到大城市去買些新的衣服。 孩子們玩了個把小時，在四點半的時候，姨媽領著迪克走進了廚房。她交給迪克一塊精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，並對他說：「喏，迪克，給你刀子，把這塊蛋糕一切為二，給你妹妹一塊。不過，你得記住要做得像一個紳士那樣。」 迪克問：「像一個紳士？紳士怎樣做呢？」 他姨媽馬上回答說：「紳士總是把大的一塊讓給別人的。」 迪克說了一聲「噢」。他對此想了一會，然後，他把蛋糕拿給妹妹，並對她說：「凱瑟琳，你來把這塊蛋糕一切為二吧。」 4 Stan: I won 92 goldfish. Fred: Where are you going to keep them? Stan: In the bathroom 。 Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath? Stan: Blindfold them! 斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚。 弗雷德：你想在哪兒養它們？ 斯丹：浴室。 弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時怎麼辦？ 斯丹：蒙住它們的眼睛！ 5 George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, 「can Albert come out to play? 」 「 No,」 said the mother, 「it's too cold. 」 「 Well, then, 」 said George, 「 can his football come out to play ? 」 喬冶敲著他朋友家的門。當朋友的媽媽來應門時，他問：「阿爾伯特可以出來玩嗎？ 」 「 不行， 」 那位媽媽說， 「 天氣太冷了。 」 「 噢，那麼， 」 喬冶， 「 他的足球可以出來玩嗎？

F. 英語笑話短文

Life after death
死後重生

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

「你相信人能死後重生嗎？」老闆問他的一個員工。
「我相信，先生」。這位剛上班不久的員工回答。
「哦，那還好」。老闆接著說。
「你昨天提早下班去參加你祖母的葬禮後，她老人家到這兒看你來了。」
Talking clock
會說話的鍾

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

一個學生帶他朋友們參觀他的新公寓，甚是得意。「那個大銅鑼和錘子是干什麼用的？」他的一個朋友問他。「那玩意兒厲害了，那是一個會說話的鍾」，學生回答。「這鍾怎麼工作的」，他的朋友問。「看著，別眨眼了」，那學生走上前一把操起銅鑼和錘子，拚命地敲了一下，聲音震耳欲聾。突然，他們聽到隔壁牆那邊有人狂叫，「別敲了，你這白痴！現在是凌晨兩點鍾了！」
可以參考：www.24cn.com

G. 求英語短文，笑話，帶翻譯，越多越好.

英語來繞口令:
Perter
bought
a
butter
,
but
the
butter
was
bitter
.
So
he
add
some
suger
.
to
make
the
bitter
butter
better
.!
彼德買了份奶源酪,但是乳酪很苦,所以他加了一些糖,讓那個苦乳酪變得好點.

H. 英語幽默搞笑短文

First Flight

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"

"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

第一次坐飛機

約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機，他讀過許多關於飛行事故的報道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請他乘自己的小飛機飛行時，約翰遜先生非常擔心，不敢接受。不過，由於朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終於被說服了，登上了飛機。

他的朋友啟動引擎開始在機場跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。

過了一兩分鍾，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對朋友說道：「看下面那些人，他們看起來就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？」

「那些就是螞蟻，」他的朋友答道，「我們還在地面上。」

A Nail Or A Fly?

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

釘子還是蒼蠅？

一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在牆上有隻蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個女服務員發現發生的事情以後，對他深表同情，決定幫他個忙。

於是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。

這里，老人回到了房裡。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往牆上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務員沖進房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關緊咬，右手滴血不止。

Chaude and Cold

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

熱與冷

蒙特利爾自助餐廳的一位顧客擰開盥洗室的龍頭，結果被水燙傷了。「這太可惡了，」他抱怨道，「標著C的龍頭流出的是開水。」

「可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法語里代表『熱』。如果您居住在蒙特利爾的話就得知道這一點。」

「等等，」那位顧客咆哮一聲，「另外一個龍頭同樣標的是C。」

「當然，」經理說道：「它代表冷。畢竟，蒙特利爾是個雙語城市。」

Imitate Birds

A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the procer.

"Imitate birds," the man said.

"Are you kidding?" answered the procer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."

"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.

模仿鳥兒

一個人想在一個舞台劇中找份工作。「你能幹什麼呢？」負責人問。

「模仿鳥兒，」那人說。

「你在開玩笑吧？」負責人答道，「那樣的人一毛錢可以找一打。」

「噢，那就算了。」那名演員說著，展開翅膀，飛出了窗口。

How Did You Ever Get Here

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

你是怎樣來的？

一個冬天的早晨，一名雇員解釋他為什麼遲到了四十五分鍾才起來上班。「外面太滑了，我每向前邁一步，就要向後退兩步。」

老闆狐疑地看著他。「噢，是嗎？那你是怎樣到這里來的？」

「後來我決定放棄，」他說，「然後我就往家裡走。」

Keep the Change

Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.

零錢不用找了

在教堂的義賣市上賣舊書時，我與一名准備買東西的顧客發生了一場爭論。他對購買袖珍奧金.納什集頗感興趣，但是說它要三十五美分開價過高。其它的平裝書每本才賣十或十五美分。

我指出這本書保存狀況頗好，納什是個有趣的詩人，這個要價是合理的。他說這是個原則問題。最終，我同意以十五美分的價格將這本書賣給他。他得意洋洋，拿出一張十美元的票子付帳。「零錢不用找了。」他說。

Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

中間戰術

三個互相爭生意的商店老闆在一條林蔭道上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。

右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：「大減價!」「特便宜!」

左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：「大砍價!」「大折扣!」

中間的商人隨後准備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：「入口處」。

Best Reward

A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.

"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."

最好的獎賞

一名海軍軍官從甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。這位軍官問如何都能酬謝他。

「最好的辦法，長官，」這名水手說，「是別聲張這事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他們會把我扔下去的。」

A Mistake

An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

"Where are the others?" asked a medic.

"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

搞錯了

一位美國人，一位英格蘭人和一位加拿大人在一場車禍中喪生。他們到達天堂的門口。在那裡，醉醺醺的聖彼德解釋說是搞錯了。「每人給我五百美元，」他說，「我將把你們送回人間，就象什麼都沒有發生過一樣。」

「成交!」美國人說。立刻，他發現自己毫不損傷地站在現場附近。

「其他人在哪兒？」一名醫生問道。

「我離開之前，」那名美國人說，「我看見英格蘭人正在砍價，而那名加拿大人正在分辯說應該由他的政府來出這筆錢。」

Imitation

A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."

Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."

模 仿

一個男孩放學回家時，覺得肚子痛。「來，坐下，吃點點心，」媽媽說，「你肚子痛是因為肚子是空的。吃點東西就會好的。」

一會兒，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，說是頭痛。

「你頭痛是因為你的腦袋是空的，」他那聰明的兒子說，「裡面裝點東西，就會好的。」

Bedtime Prayers

Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

睡前禱告詞

朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。「上帝，求求你，」她說，「讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都吧。」

媽媽打斷她的話說：「朱莉葉，為什麼求上帝讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都呢？」

朱莉葉回答道：「因為我在地理考卷上是這樣寫的。」

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

勢均力敵

有一天某位女士看到一隻老鼠在自家的廚房地板上竄過。她很害怕老鼠，所以她沖出屋子，搭上了公共汽車直奔商店。在那兒，她買了一隻老鼠夾。店主告訴她：「放點乳酪在裡面，很快你就會逮住那隻老鼠的。」

這位女士帶著鼠夾回到家裡，但她沒有在碗櫥里找到乳酪。她不想再回到商店裡去，因為已經很晚了。於是，她就從一份雜志中剪下一幅乳酪的圖片放進了夾子。

令人稱奇的是，這畫有乳酪的圖片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，這位女士下樓到廚房時，發現鼠夾里乳酪圖片旁有一張畫有老鼠的圖片!

Class and Ass

Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".

Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

班和笨驢

格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個通知：「勞里教授今天不見他的班級。」

一個學生讀了通知後，擦掉了字母「c」(lass：姑娘)。

後來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母「l」(ass：笨驢)。

I. 英語小短文100字笑話簡單的

英語笑話（一）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢?你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小.但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤,而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子.這個答案很有意思吧?
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物,他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼,他會更生氣.Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」,也有「雞眼」的意思.
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子,所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的.你說呢?
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces這個短語,你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀!因為除了這個意思以外,它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面.
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢?最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺.雖然這不是治療方法,但如果讓夢游者醒著呢,他的確就不會去夢遊了.
英語笑話（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人.
-- 他真是一個大人物.干什麼的?
-- 墓地守墓人.
英語笑話（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久,到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元.在銀行櫃台,銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票,看是否有假.
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩,最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我,先生,也請你相信這些鈔票.這都是真正的美元,它們是從美國直接帶來的.」
英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

J. 求2分鍾的英語小短文或者英語笑話，不用太長，簡單點，

A mother said that, I was really worried, my son called university every time is to the money at home, really do not know what he want so much money. Other mother, I'm more worried about the University, I read the daughter never to the money at home, I really don't know where did she get the money. 一個媽媽說，我可真是擔心啊，我那個上大學的兒子每次來電話都是向家裡要錢專，真不知道他要屬那麼多錢干什麼。另一個媽媽說，我更擔心，我那個讀大學的女兒從來不向家裡要錢，我真不知道她從哪兒弄到錢。各有各擔心。