一句英語笑話

『壹』 求一句話英語笑話

一句話英語笑話

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

事實上，只有一杯酒就讓我醉倒了，糟糕的是，我不能回想起來它是第十答三杯還是第十四杯。
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
當你慢慢變老，會發生三件事。第一件是你會喪失記憶。而我已經記不起來其它兩件了……
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
當我們慢慢老去的時候，我們的身體萎縮了，關於我們的搞笑的事情卻多了。
anecdote：軼事，奇聞。

『貳』 最簡單的英語笑話

I'll See to the Rest

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"

"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.

"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."

其餘的事由我負責

一位車上的列車員剛發出信號讓火車啟動，這時他看見一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一節打開的車廂門旁邊，跟車廂里另一位漂亮姑娘在說話。

「快點，小姐!」他喊道：「請把門關上。」

「噢，我還沒有和妹妹吻別呢。」她回答道。

「請把門關上好了，」列車員說：「其餘的事由我負責。」

Sleeping Pills

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."

"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"

安眠葯

鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫生，醫生給他開了一些強力安眠葯。

星期天晚上鮑勃吃了葯，睡得很好，在鬧鍾響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達進去，對老闆說：「我今天早上起床一點麻煩都沒有。」

「好啊!」老闆吼道，「那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？」

A Smugglar

The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

"What's in here?" he asked.

"Dirt," the driver replied.

"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.

"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.

"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.

Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."

走私犯

一個形跡可疑的人開車來到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時，驚奇地發現了六個接縫處鼓得緊綳綳的大口袋。

「裡面裝的是什麼？」他問道。

「土。」司機回答。

「把袋子拿出來」，哨兵命令道：「我要檢查。」

那人順從地把口袋搬了出來。確實，口袋裡除了土以外，別無他特。哨兵很不情願地讓他通過了。

一周後，那人又來了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱。

「這次袋子里裝的是什麼？」他問道。

「土，又運了一些土。」那人回答。

哨兵不相信，對那些袋子又進行了檢查，結果發現，除了土以外，仍舊一無所獲。

同樣的事情每周重演一次，一共持續了六個月。最後，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，乾脆辭職去當了酒吧侍者。有天夜裡，那個形跡可疑的人碰巧途經酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對他說，「我說，老兄，你要是能幫我一個忙，今晚的酒就歸我請客。你能不能告訴我，那段時間你到底在走私什麼東西？」

那人俯身過來，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開嘴笑嘻嘻地說：「汽車。」

Skunk

"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"

"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."

Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.

"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"

臭 鼬

「我們的地下室里有一隻臭鼬，」打電話的人對警察調度員尖叫道。「我們怎樣才能把它弄出來？」

「弄一些麵包屑，」調度員說，「從地下室往外鋪一條小道直到後院。然後將地下室的門打開。」

一段時間後，那位居民又將電話打了回來。「你們將它弄出來了嗎？」調度員問。

「沒有，」打電話的人答道，「現在那兒有兩只臭鼬了。」

Patience

Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself?

Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.

耐 性

垂釣者：你已經盯著看了三個小時了，你幹嘛不自己親自釣呢？

旁觀者：我沒那耐性。

Bedtime Prayers

Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

睡前禱告詞

朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。「上帝，求求你，」她說，「讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都吧。」

媽媽打斷她的話說：「朱莉葉，為什麼求上帝讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都呢？」

朱莉葉回答道：「因為我在地理考卷上是這樣寫的。」

Things Have Been Okay

A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."

"You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?"

"Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay."

一切都正常

一對年輕夫婦有個兒子，已經四歲了，還沒有開品說話，他們對此深感焦慮。他們帶他去找專家診治，但醫生們總覺得他沒有毛病。後來有一天早上吃早餐時，那孩子突然開口了：「媽媽，麵包烤焦了。」

「你說話了!你說話了!」他母親叫了起來。「我太高興了!但為什麼花了這么長的時間呢？」

「哦，在這之前，」那男孩說，「一切都很正常。」

That's Why

Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money."

Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.

"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"

One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"

"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high."

原來如此

吉米三歲開始畫畫，五歲時已經畫得很好了。他畫了很多美麗而有趣的畫，人們出高價購買。他們說，「這個孩子長大一點肯定會出名，我們可以靠這些畫大賺一筆。」

吉米的畫與眾不同。因為他從來不在整張紙上作畫。他只畫一半的紙，而另一半他總空著。

「構思多麼巧妙啊!」大家都說，「從來沒有人這么做過。」

有一天，一個人買了吉米的畫，然後問他：「請告訴我，吉米，你為什麼總是在紙的下半部分畫畫，而不是在紙的上半部分？」

吉米說，「因為我個頭小，夠不著上面。」

A Trip to Disney

On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I adn our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.

As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey."

Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie."

My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money."

迪斯尼之族

弗羅里達州的迪斯尼樂園是一個迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個孩子前往旅遊，我們全身心地沉醉在它的各種奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之後，我們要回家了。

當我們驅車離開時，兒子揮手說：「再見，美奇。」

女兒揮著手說，「再見，美妮。」

丈夫也有氣無力地揮了揮手，說道：「再見，美元。」

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

勢均力敵

有一天某位女士看到一隻老鼠在自家的廚房地板上竄過。她很害怕老鼠，所以她沖出屋子，搭上了公共汽車直奔商店。在那兒，她買了一隻老鼠夾。店主告訴她：「放點乳酪在裡面，很快你就會逮住那隻老鼠的。」

這位女士帶著鼠夾回到家裡，但她沒有在碗櫥里找到乳酪。她不想再回到商店裡去，因為已經很晚了。於是，她就從一份雜志中剪下一幅乳酪的圖片放進了夾子。

令人稱奇的是，這畫有乳酪的圖片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，這位女士下樓到廚房時，發現鼠夾里乳酪圖片旁有一張畫有老鼠的圖片!

Prepare Yourself

A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."

Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."

自己做好准備

校園里流傳著這樣的故事：一個學生一次給父母拍了一份電報，上面寫著：「媽媽－我所有功課都不及格，被學校開除。讓爸爸做好准備。」

兩天以後，他收到了回電：「爸爸已准備好。你自己做好准備吧!」

『叄』 急需：英語小笑話，簡單短小，而且超級爆笑！謝了。

1.Is it a boy or a girl
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
翻譯：是男孩還是女孩？
A:看看那個留短發和藍色牛仔褲的年輕人。是男孩還是女孩？
B：是個女孩。她是我的女兒。
A:哦，對不起，先生。我不知道你是她的父親。
B：我不是。我是她的媽媽。
2.Pretty ugly
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly..
翻譯：非常醜陋的
瑪麗：約翰說我很漂亮。安迪說我很醜。你覺得怎麼樣，彼得？
彼得：我覺得你很醜。
3.Silent fart
A man walks into the doctor's office with a serious problem.
"Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, and even at church, I release tons of silent farts everywhere I go! As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?"
The doctor replies:
"The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."
翻譯：沉默的屁：沉默的屁
一個人走進醫生的辦公室，遇到了一個嚴重的問題。
「醫生，我在無聲氣體排放方面有問題。在家裡，工作，甚至在教堂，我放出無數的無聲屁，無論我走到哪裡！事實上，我坐在這里和你談過三次。我們該怎麼辦？」
醫生回答說：
「我們要做的第一件事就是檢查你的聽力。」
3.Pay tax with a smile
A: I hate paying my income tax.
B: You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?
A: I'd like to but they insist on money!
翻譯：A:我討厭付所得稅。
B：你應該是個好公民——你為什麼不微笑著付錢呢？
A:我很願意，但是他們堅持要錢！
4.Take his place
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor, "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
翻譯：代替他：取代他的位置
午夜過後，一位律師打電話給州長，堅持要他跟他談一件非常緊急的事情。一個助手最終同意喚醒州長。
「那麼，這是什麼呢？」州長抱怨道。
「Garber法官剛剛去世，」律師說，「我想接替他的位置。」
州長回答說：「好吧，如果殯儀館還好的話，我就可以了。」
5.I'm Sick
One day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital.
Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you.
Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.
翻譯：我生病了
一天，哈米德感到很不舒服，他去了醫院。
護士：哈米德，醫生來見你。
哈米德：告訴他，我看不見他。我病了。
向姑姑道歉
爸爸：「兒子，你怎麼稱呼你的阿姨傻？」去跟她說聲對不起。」
兒子：（走到姨媽跟前）「阿姨，對不起你是個笨蛋。」
6.Say sorry to aunt
Dad: "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."
Son: (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid."
6.Undying love
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes, dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love.
翻譯：永恆的愛：永恆的愛
女孩：你愛我嗎？
男孩：是的，親愛的。
女孩：你願意為我而死嗎？
男孩：不，我的愛是永恆的
(3)一句英語笑話擴展閱讀：
look at看; 審視; 評判; 接受
young person(14-17歲的)未成年人; 少年
short hair短頭發
blue jeans藍色斜紋布褲子，牛仔褲
do you你願意嗎
fart<諱>放屁; 討厭的人; 令人厭煩的人; 蠢人
walks步態( walk的名詞復數 ); 人行道; 步行的路徑; 走，步行，散步( walk的第三人稱單數 ); 出現; 陪伴…走; 徒步旅行
'vehave 的縮略形式
At home在家; 在國內; 在家接待客人; 精通
and even乃至

『肆』 十句以上的英語笑話

Logic Reasoning

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

邏輯推理

小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這么一個例子：「有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水裡。於是他開始掙扎並喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他並不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什麼？」 一個女生舉手答道，「是不是去取他的存款？」

[注]bank在英語中除了我們平時很熟悉的「銀行」之外，還有「河岸」的意思。

『伍』 急求一個簡短英語小笑話

英語笑話（一）

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。

英語笑話（二）

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一個大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。

-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

英語笑話（三）

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它們是從美國直接帶來的

一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。

這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」

英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不識字

布朗夫人：哦，

親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

給我那個打贏的吧

-- 服務員，

這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。

-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。

-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。

英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝嗇鬼請客

一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」

「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」

「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。

『陸』 簡單的英語小笑話

The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants recing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

醫生住在樓下

「醫生」她沖進屋後大聲說道。

「我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。」

他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：「太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。」

『柒』 一句話的英語笑話

1、 asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong... 6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 9、Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. 13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. 19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? 23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian 27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 29、Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 32、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. 35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. 37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 41、Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 46、I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 49、Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? 50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 52、I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila. 53、The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 54、It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 57、There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 58、A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. 59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. 62、A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." 63、Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 64、When in doubt, mumble. 65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 67、If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! 68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. 70、Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. 73、Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone. 74、Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 75、With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. 76、I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. 77、Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here." 78、You're never too old to learn something stupid. 79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 80、I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." 81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. 83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. 84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. 85、Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. 87、I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 88、I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. 89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. 90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 91、You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. 92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. 95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 96、Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one. 97、You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 98、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. 99、When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 100、Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

『捌』 有哪些英語小笑話給我來十個（越短越好）

1、英語笑話（一）  

老師在黑板上寫了一句：Time is money.並讓同學們翻譯。有名學生答道：「湯姆是瑪麗。」   

小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?   

老師說：Go ahead.  

小明就坐了下來。過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?   

老師說：Go ahead.  

小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學於是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎？怎麼不去？   

小明說：你沒聽老師說「去你個頭」啊！   

2、英語笑話（二）  

某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am hong tao liu，外賓曰：我TM還是方片七呢！   

3、英語笑話（三）  

江青會見外賓，要求翻譯要嚴格按她的意思翻，不許走樣。外賓一見到江青，立刻拍馬屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻譯照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上還要謙虛一下：「哪裡，哪裡」。  

翻譯不敢怠慢，把江青的話翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外賓一愣，還有這樣的人，追問哪裡漂亮的，乾脆馬屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."  

翻譯：「你到處都很漂亮。」江青更高興了，但總是要客氣一下：「不見得，不見得」。翻譯趕緊翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."  

4、英語笑話（四）   

話說某年某月的某一天，叄個神箭手約在一起比箭，目標是十尺外僕人頭上的蘋果。A神箭手挽弓長射，咻一聲，利箭正中蘋果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM後羿！」  

B神箭手照本宣科，射中蘋果，這回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」  

輪到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 結果正中僕人的心臟。就聽他結結巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」   

5、英語笑話（五）  

某人刻苦學習英語，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞， 忙說：I am sorry.   

老外應道：I am sorry too.   

某人聽後又道：I am sorry three.   

老外不解，問：What are you sorry for?   

某人無奈，道：I am sorry five. 

6、英語笑話（六）  

一位來自日本的旅客，坐計程車去機場的路上，看到一輛汽車經過，就說：「oh，TOyOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」又有一輛經過，他又說： 「oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」司機有點不高興，覺得他太吵了！當第三輛經過時，他還是說：「oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」  

後來到了機場，那個日本人就問：「How Much？」計程車司機說：「1000！」  

日本人驚奇的問司機：「為什麼那麼貴？」計程車司機回答說：「oh，mileometer（計 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」 

7、英語笑話（七）  

傳說柯林頓和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞錯了，把柯林頓送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地獄。發現錯誤後上帝馬上改了回來，路上二人相遇。 精彩繼續教皇：感謝上帝，我終於能見到聖母瑪利亞了（Virgin Maria）. 柯林頓（壞笑中）：Sorry，it"s too late. 

8、英語笑話（八） 

小強去看電影，到了電影售票處，發現一個老外和售票小姐連說帶比得好半天，就自告奮勇的上前做翻譯，售票小姐說：麻煩你告訴她，現在坐票售完了只剩下站票，如果要看要站著看。  

小強轉頭就對老外說：no sit see, stand see. if see stand see. 

老外回答說:Sorry I don』t understand your English.  

小強就對售票小姐說：哦，他說他不懂英文....

踩了一個老外的腳，為了顯示咱國家是有名的禮儀之邦，就先SORRY啦，老外更是禮貌有加，就來個sorry too. 

two??the chinese puzzled.恩，咱中國人還不是得禮尚往來？！~那就I am sorry three~   這下老外蒙了，一句what are you sorry for? 

暈，還有完沒完啊，還FOUR？！~哼，偶跟你卯上了，Iam sorry five~(who怕 who？！~） 

9、英語笑話（九） 

我朋友在南大看到一非洲老外：「hello，你媽是猴兒。」老外用純正的天津話說：「你媽是大猩猩！」 

10、英語笑話（十） 

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.  "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"  "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "                     

「我們有毒嗎？」一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。「是的，親愛的，」她回答說，「你問這個干什麼？」  「因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。」