英語短笑話

㈠ 英語短笑話

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不識字

布朗夫人：哦，

親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with

the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents

more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」

「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。

「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老

太太那麼感興趣呢？」

「她是個賣糖果的。」

The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

完美兒子

A:我有一個很完美的兒子.

B:他抽煙嗎?

A:不抽.

B:他喝威士忌酒嗎?

A:不喝.

B:他會不會很晚回家?

A:不會.

B:我想你確實有一個完美兒子. 那他多大了?

A:下個星期三就滿6個月了.

㈡ 有哪些英語小笑話給我來十個（越短越好）

1、英語笑話（一）  

老師在黑板上寫了一句：Time is money.並讓同學們翻譯。有名學生答道：「湯姆是瑪麗。」   

小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?   

老師說：Go ahead.  

小明就坐了下來。過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?   

老師說：Go ahead.  

小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學於是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎？怎麼不去？   

小明說：你沒聽老師說「去你個頭」啊！   

2、英語笑話（二）  

某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am hong tao liu，外賓曰：我TM還是方片七呢！   

3、英語笑話（三）  

江青會見外賓，要求翻譯要嚴格按她的意思翻，不許走樣。外賓一見到江青，立刻拍馬屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻譯照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上還要謙虛一下：「哪裡，哪裡」。  

翻譯不敢怠慢，把江青的話翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外賓一愣，還有這樣的人，追問哪裡漂亮的，乾脆馬屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."  

翻譯：「你到處都很漂亮。」江青更高興了，但總是要客氣一下：「不見得，不見得」。翻譯趕緊翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."  

4、英語笑話（四）   

話說某年某月的某一天，叄個神箭手約在一起比箭，目標是十尺外僕人頭上的蘋果。A神箭手挽弓長射，咻一聲，利箭正中蘋果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM後羿！」  

B神箭手照本宣科，射中蘋果，這回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」  

輪到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 結果正中僕人的心臟。就聽他結結巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」   

5、英語笑話（五）  

某人刻苦學習英語，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞， 忙說：I am sorry.   

老外應道：I am sorry too.   

某人聽後又道：I am sorry three.   

老外不解，問：What are you sorry for?   

某人無奈，道：I am sorry five. 

6、英語笑話（六）  

一位來自日本的旅客，坐計程車去機場的路上，看到一輛汽車經過，就說：「oh，TOyOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」又有一輛經過，他又說： 「oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」司機有點不高興，覺得他太吵了！當第三輛經過時，他還是說：「oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」  

後來到了機場，那個日本人就問：「How Much？」計程車司機說：「1000！」  

日本人驚奇的問司機：「為什麼那麼貴？」計程車司機回答說：「oh，mileometer（計 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！」 

7、英語笑話（七）  

傳說柯林頓和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞錯了，把柯林頓送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地獄。發現錯誤後上帝馬上改了回來，路上二人相遇。 精彩繼續教皇：感謝上帝，我終於能見到聖母瑪利亞了（Virgin Maria）. 柯林頓（壞笑中）：Sorry，it"s too late. 

8、英語笑話（八） 

小強去看電影，到了電影售票處，發現一個老外和售票小姐連說帶比得好半天，就自告奮勇的上前做翻譯，售票小姐說：麻煩你告訴她，現在坐票售完了只剩下站票，如果要看要站著看。  

小強轉頭就對老外說：no sit see, stand see. if see stand see. 

老外回答說:Sorry I don』t understand your English.  

小強就對售票小姐說：哦，他說他不懂英文....

踩了一個老外的腳，為了顯示咱國家是有名的禮儀之邦，就先SORRY啦，老外更是禮貌有加，就來個sorry too. 

two??the chinese puzzled.恩，咱中國人還不是得禮尚往來？！~那就I am sorry three~   這下老外蒙了，一句what are you sorry for? 

暈，還有完沒完啊，還FOUR？！~哼，偶跟你卯上了，Iam sorry five~(who怕 who？！~） 

9、英語笑話（九） 

我朋友在南大看到一非洲老外：「hello，你媽是猴兒。」老外用純正的天津話說：「你媽是大猩猩！」 

10、英語笑話（十） 

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.  "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"  "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "                     

「我們有毒嗎？」一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。「是的，親愛的，」她回答說，「你問這個干什麼？」  「因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。」

㈢ 英語小笑話（帶翻譯）短些

1、Warning
,.

"warn"himthatwewouldbecoming.

Whenwearrivedatthedorm,however,."Forgotwewerecoming,didn『tyou?"Iteased.

"Areyoukidding?"hereplied,"?"

提醒

我們的兒子是密歇根州阿爾馬大學的新生，開學幾個星期之後，我和丈夫決定去看看他。我特意提前給他打電話，「提醒」他我們將光臨。

但是當我們來到宿舍時，他的房間凌亂不堪，我非常吃驚。「忘了我們要來，是吧?」我取笑他。

「開什麼玩笑?「，他回答說，「要不我憑什麼費神打掃?」

2、GroundRules

.

,hesaid,",

soIdon『.Ido,however,『restillrunning."

基本原則

位於吉拉多海角的密蘇里東南州立大學有一位我非常喜歡的老師，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。在對一個新生班級講解他的基本原則時，

他說：「我知道我的講課可能經常會枯燥乏味，了無生趣，所以如果你們在上課時看錶我並不介意。

不過我堅決反對你們將表在課桌上猛敲看它們是不是還在走。」

3、After supper, the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests. At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV,

"Honey, go see if the kitchen light is on or not?"

After a while, her son returned and said, "Ma, the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all."

晚飯後，父親和母親都忙著和客人玩麻將，這時母親忽然想起點兒事來，便對正在看電視的兒子說道：「寶貝，去看看廚房裡的燈是不是還開著呢？」 過了一會兒，兒子回來說：「媽，廚房裡太黑了，我根本就看不見。」

4、Young hopeful：「Father，what is a traitor in politics，Father（aveteranpolitician）：「A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one．」

Young hopeful：「Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？」 Father：「A convert，my son．」

有希望的青年人：「父親，什麼叫政治叛徒？」 父親（一位老資格的政治家）：「叛徒指的是離開我們黨而加入到另一個黨的人。」

有希望的青年人：「那麼，離開他的黨而加入到我們黨的人又叫什麼呢？」 父親：「叫改變信仰者。我的兒子。」

5、I do not know the reason why some people want to get up late. They will never have the opportunity to enjoy (of enjoying) the fresh air and calmness of the morning.

This is indeed a quite regrettable thing.To rise early is a good habit (which) we should cultivate. Why? Because the best time when we can pursue our studies is in the morning.

In addition, early rising is also good to our health. I hope that everybody our knows the reason why we must rise early.

我不知道某些人要晚起的理由。他們永不會有機會來享受早晨的新鮮空氣和寧靜。

這真是一件 發令人遺憾的事情。早起是我們應該養成的一種良好習慣。為什麼？因為早晨是我們從事學業的大好時間。

再者，早起對我們健康也有益處。我希望每個人應該知道我們必須早起的理由。

㈣ 英語小笑話，越短越好，帶翻譯

1、金魚
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold（蒙眼睛）them!
斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚。
弗雷德：你想在哪兒養它們？
斯丹：浴室。
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時怎麼辦？
斯丹：蒙住它們的眼睛！
2、 The Revenge 欺騙的代價
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With alow voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmerJones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Johnson:"But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Johnson: "Jonesonce cheated me in a horse deal!"
老農約翰遜就要死了。他的家人都站在床邊。他聲音低沉地對妻子說：「我死後，我想你嫁給農夫瓊斯。」 妻子說：「不，在你死後，我不能嫁給任何人。」 約翰遜：「但我希望你這么做。」 妻子：「為什麼？」 約翰遜：「因為瓊斯曾在一筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我。」
3、I think that I'm a chicken 我想我是一隻雞
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
精神病醫師：你哪裡不舒服？
病人：我認為我是一隻雞。
精神病醫師：這種情況從什麼時候開始的？
病人：從我還是一隻蛋的時候開始。

4、How do I get the gum out我怎麼把口香糖取出來
Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keeptheir ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed upto her and said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum outfrom my ears?"
當空中小姐給乘客們發口香糖的時候，她解釋說口香糖有助於他們防止耳鳴。飛機著陸後，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：「 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎麼才能把口香糖從耳朵裡面取出來呢？」
5、 Where Am I 我在哪兒
An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw afarmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, " the farmerlooked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir."
一個英國人在鄉下開車時迷了路，他看見一個農民正在附近的地里幹活。於是他就把車開過去問那位農民：「勞駕，您能告訴我我現在這是在哪兒嗎？」 「可以。」農夫奇怪地看了看他，然後說道：「你現在在你的車子里，先生。」
6、Chiefis at the wedding 長官在婚禮上
A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer."I'm going to put you injail until the chief gets back."
"But ,officer, I …."
"I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Youare lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a goodmood when he gets back."
"Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm thegroom."

大街上的一個超速駕駛者被警察攔住了。「但是警官」這個人說道，「我可以解釋的」。「保持安靜」，警察突然說道。「我將把你送往監獄，直到長官回來。「但是，警察，我，，，」。「我說過了保持安靜，你要到監獄了。」幾小時後，警察向監獄里看了看說道「算你運氣好，因為我們的長官正在他女兒的婚禮上。他將帶著一個愉快的心情回來的。」 「你確定」在牢房裡的這個人說道。「我就是新郎呀」。
7、Who Is the Laziest 誰最懶
Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you aquestion. Who is the laziest person in your class?
Tom: I don't know, father.
Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing andwriting, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?
Tom: Our teacher, father.
父親：哎，湯姆，今天我跟你們老師談過，現在我想問你個問題。你們班上誰最懶？湯姆：我不知道，爸爸。父親：啊，不對，你知道！想想看，當別的孩子們都在做作業、寫字時，誰在課堂上坐著，只是看人家做功課？湯姆：我們老師，爸爸。
8、TwoBirds 兩只鳥
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now whocan tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside theswallow.
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老師：請說說看。學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

㈤ 簡單的英語小笑話(帶翻譯）

1、Boy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. 男孩：這個座位是空的么？ 女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。  

2、Boy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money. 男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？ 女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。 

3、My little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!  Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 

我的狗不識字。布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！ 布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

4、My Wife Will Exchange Them。A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.   ″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.  ″Makes no difference ″replied customer.   ″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.  ″Any″ he responded. 

″Size﹖″ ″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″ 

反正我太太明天會來換的。一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。 「您是要布的還是皮的？」售貨員問。 「沒什麼區別。」這位顧客回答。 「那您要什麼顏色的呢？」售貨員又問。「什麼顏色都成。」他回答。 「號碼呢？」 「您就隨便給我拿一副吧，」這位顧客有點不耐煩了，「反正我太太明天都會來換的。」 

5、A  physics Examination，Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.  The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunder rolls?   

Nick『s answer: Because  our eyes are before ears.   

一次物理考試。在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。這個問題是：為什麼在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。  

6、Jim』s History Examination。Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him  things that happened before the poor boy was born.   

吉姆的歷史考試。舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎麼樣？母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問一些這個可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。 

7、he is really somebody。-- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do?-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.   

他真是一個大人物。-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？-- 墓地守墓人。

(5)英語短笑話擴展閱讀：

笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節簡單而巧妙，往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑神來了的奇妙感覺的特點。大多揭示生活中乖謬的現象，具有諷刺性和娛樂性。其趣味有高下之分。

人類歷史上，人自從有了語言，就已經出現了開玩笑的語言，最早，人們以口相傳，後來有了文字，許多笑話便被記載下來，編書成冊。但還有很多笑話，是流傳於民間的，就當今社會，每天都有很多笑話出現，有心人如果收集，我想將來一定會有價值。

同時豐富了笑話的寶庫。隨著近十年網路和手機的飛速發展，隨之出現了網路笑話，網路流行語，給力大全，手機笑話，雷人語句，笑料聯盟等，促使笑話發展到一個新的階段。

㈥ 英語小笑話

1、A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

一天，教授正在給學生們監考。他發下試卷，然後回到講台前等待。

考試結束了，學生們紛紛交回試卷。教授發現一張試卷上別著一張百元鈔票，還有一張紙條寫著：「一分一塊錢。」

第二堂課，教授把試卷都發回學生們手中。其中一個學生不但得到了試卷還得到64塊錢的找零。

2、George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too..."

9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裡。

「喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？」 媽媽問。

「媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。」

3、Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?

Mom: No, Honey, what?

Kate: A nice teapot.

Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.

Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.

凱特：媽媽，你知道我要給你一件什麼生日禮物嗎?

媽媽：不知道，寶貝，是什麼呀?

凱特：一把漂亮的茶壺。

媽媽：可是我已經有一把漂亮的茶壺了呀。

凱特：不，你沒有了。我剛剛把它給摔了。

4、Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

客人：「為什麼你的狗狗坐在那兒老是看著我吃東西呢?」

旅館主人：「我不敢想像，除非是因為你拿了它經常用來吃東西的盤子了。」

5、Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.

Patient: I know. But you are standing on my foot!

牙醫：請不要再叫了，我都還沒有挨著你的牙齒啊!

病人：但是，親，你可知道，你踩到我腳了!!!

6、A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, 「Who is the most obedient, never talks back to

mother and does everything he or she is told?」 he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: 「You play with it, Daddy!」

一個有五個孩子的父親帶著一件玩具回到家裡，把孩子們召集來問這件禮物應該給誰。「誰最聽話，從不和媽媽頂嘴，讓干什麼就干什麼?」他問道。大家都不吭聲。過了一會兒，孩子們異口同聲地說：「爸爸，您玩兒吧。」

拓展資料

第一則

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?

Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".

第二則

Teacher: Can you make a sentence with the word "egg"?

Student: Yes. I ate a piece of cake yesterday.

Teacher: Then where is the "egg"?

Student: In the cake, Sir.

第三則

George comes from school on the first of September.

George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.

I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three weresix and then she said that two and four were six too.....

㈦ 急需：英語小笑話，簡單短小，而且超級爆笑！謝了。

1.Is it a boy or a girl
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
翻譯：是男孩還是女孩？
A:看看那個留短發和藍色牛仔褲的年輕人。是男孩還是女孩？
B：是個女孩。她是我的女兒。
A:哦，對不起，先生。我不知道你是她的父親。
B：我不是。我是她的媽媽。
2.Pretty ugly
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly..
翻譯：非常醜陋的
瑪麗：約翰說我很漂亮。安迪說我很醜。你覺得怎麼樣，彼得？
彼得：我覺得你很醜。
3.Silent fart
A man walks into the doctor's office with a serious problem.
"Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, and even at church, I release tons of silent farts everywhere I go! As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?"
The doctor replies:
"The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."
翻譯：沉默的屁：沉默的屁
一個人走進醫生的辦公室，遇到了一個嚴重的問題。
「醫生，我在無聲氣體排放方面有問題。在家裡，工作，甚至在教堂，我放出無數的無聲屁，無論我走到哪裡！事實上，我坐在這里和你談過三次。我們該怎麼辦？」
醫生回答說：
「我們要做的第一件事就是檢查你的聽力。」
3.Pay tax with a smile
A: I hate paying my income tax.
B: You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?
A: I'd like to but they insist on money!
翻譯：A:我討厭付所得稅。
B：你應該是個好公民——你為什麼不微笑著付錢呢？
A:我很願意，但是他們堅持要錢！
4.Take his place
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor, "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
翻譯：代替他：取代他的位置
午夜過後，一位律師打電話給州長，堅持要他跟他談一件非常緊急的事情。一個助手最終同意喚醒州長。
「那麼，這是什麼呢？」州長抱怨道。
「Garber法官剛剛去世，」律師說，「我想接替他的位置。」
州長回答說：「好吧，如果殯儀館還好的話，我就可以了。」
5.I'm Sick
One day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital.
Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you.
Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.
翻譯：我生病了
一天，哈米德感到很不舒服，他去了醫院。
護士：哈米德，醫生來見你。
哈米德：告訴他，我看不見他。我病了。
向姑姑道歉
爸爸：「兒子，你怎麼稱呼你的阿姨傻？」去跟她說聲對不起。」
兒子：（走到姨媽跟前）「阿姨，對不起你是個笨蛋。」
6.Say sorry to aunt
Dad: "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."
Son: (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid."
6.Undying love
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes, dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love.
翻譯：永恆的愛：永恆的愛
女孩：你愛我嗎？
男孩：是的，親愛的。
女孩：你願意為我而死嗎？
男孩：不，我的愛是永恆的
(7)英語短笑話擴展閱讀：
look at看; 審視; 評判; 接受
young person(14-17歲的)未成年人; 少年
short hair短頭發
blue jeans藍色斜紋布褲子，牛仔褲
do you你願意嗎
fart<諱>放屁; 討厭的人; 令人厭煩的人; 蠢人
walks步態( walk的名詞復數 ); 人行道; 步行的路徑; 走，步行，散步( walk的第三人稱單數 ); 出現; 陪伴…走; 徒步旅行
'vehave 的縮略形式
At home在家; 在國內; 在家接待客人; 精通
and even乃至

㈧ 急求英語短笑話

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」

Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:
(1) inform v.告訴
(2) nest n.窩；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓勵
(5) resemble v. 相似；類似

18.鳥窩與頭發
我姐姐是一位小學老師。一次一個學生告訴她說一隻鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
「是什麼鳥呢？」我姐姐問她。
「我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。」那孩子回答說。
「那麼，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎？」我姐姐鼓勵她道。
「哦，老師，就像你的頭發一樣。」

I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。

我剛咬破自己的舌頭
「我們有毒嗎？」一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。
「是的，親愛的，」她回答說，「你問這個干什麼？」
「因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。」

A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從後面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正准備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：「總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎？」

英語笑話（一）

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。

英語笑話（二）

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一個大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。

-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

英語笑話（三）

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它們是從美國直接帶來的

一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。

這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」

英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不識字

布朗夫人：哦，

親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

給我那個打贏的吧

-- 服務員，

這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。

-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。

-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。

英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝嗇鬼請客

一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」

「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」

「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。

英語笑話（七）Advice for "Kid"

A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."

忠告「年輕者」

這里想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，

千萬別進退休社區。因為那裡人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，「讓小的干吧。」

英語笑話（八）Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how sty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

哪一位女人？

一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：「世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。」

我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：「媽媽來了？」

英語笑話（九）The doctor lives downstairs

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants recing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

醫生住在樓下

「醫生」她沖進屋後大聲說道。

「我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。」

他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：「太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。」

英語笑話（十）One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

只剩一個引擎

一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭里傳來了機長的聲音：「旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時 。」 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：「各位，你們猜怎麼啦？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。」 正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：「看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。」
回答者：lovemydream - 高級經理 七級 7-5 10:08

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Logic Reasoning 邏輯推理

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

邏輯推理

小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這么一個例子：「有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水裡。於是他開始掙扎並喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他並不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什麼？」 一個女生舉手答道，「是不是去取他的存款？」

[注]bank在英語中除了我們平時很熟悉的「銀行」之外，還有「河岸」的意思。

Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？你停止打你老婆了嗎?

This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent『s witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．
「I want『yes』or『no，』」thundered counsel．「There is no need for you to argue the point！」
「But there are some questions which cannot be answered by『yes』or『no，』」mildly responded the witness．
「There are not！」 snapped the lawyer．
「Oh，」 said the witness，「answer this then：「Have you ceased beating your wife？」

這個故事講的是一個咄咄逼人的辯護律師，他慣於盡量去恐嚇對方的證人。
有一個證人有點傾向於在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。
「我要你回答『是』或者『不是』，」辯護律師怒喝道： 「你沒有必要就這個問題進行爭論。」
「可是有些問題無法用『是』或者『不是』來回答。」這位證人溫和地回敬他。
「不存在這樣的問題！」律師厲聲打斷他。
「噢，」證人說：「那麼請你回答這個問題：「你停止打你老婆了嗎？」

Two Birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

兩只鳥

老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？

學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老師：請說說看。

學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

魚網

"你能告訴我魚網是什麼做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。

"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。

昨天夜裡我爸媽表演「混合雙打」

Teacher of Physical Ecation: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？
體育老師：孩子們，你們見過男女混合雙打嗎？

Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

尼克：見過，老師，經常見。就在昨天夜裡我還見過呢！

Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

老師：那你給大家講講當時的情形吧。

Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.」

尼克：啊，對不起，老師。我爸爸常說:「家醜不可外揚。」

㈨ 英語短笑話。

答：英語短笑話

小女孩的願望

On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.

在觀看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼專兒園老師屬問學生的觀後感。班上最小的女孩說，她希望舞蹈演員可以長得更高一點兒，那麼他們就不用整天踮著腳尖了。

㈩ 英文短笑話

1、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

老師：誰能回到我下一個問題，誰就可以回家了。

One boy throws his bag out the window.

一個小男孩把書包扔到窗外。

Teacher: who just threw that?!

老師：誰剛剛把書包扔出去了?

Boy: Me! I』m going home now.

男孩：我!我現在要回家了。

2、What dog can jump higher than a building?

什麼狗比大樓跳的還高?

Anydog, buildings can't jump!

任何一隻狗，大樓又跳不起來。

3、What has a head, a tail, and no body?

什麼有頭、有尾，但是沒有身體?

A coin!

硬幣。

4、What has one eye but cannot see?

什麼有一隻眼睛，卻看不見?

A needle.

針。

5、Wife: "How would you describe me?"

妻子：你會怎麼形容我呢?

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: "What does that mean?"

妻子：那是什麼意思?

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可愛的、令人愉悅的、優雅的、時髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

妻子：哇，謝謝，但是「IJK」是什麼意思呢?

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

丈夫：開個玩笑!

6、Boy: Is this seat empty?

男孩：這個座位是空的么？

Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。

7、My little dog can't read

我的狗不識字

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

布朗夫人：哦，親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

8、My Wife Will Exchange Them

反正我太太明天會來換的

A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.

一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。

″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.

「您是要布的還是皮的？」售貨員問。

″Makes no difference ″replied customer.

「沒什麼區別。」這位顧客回答。

″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.

「那您要什麼顏色的呢？」售貨員又問。

″Any″ he responded.

「什麼顏色都成。」他回答。

″Size﹖″

「號碼呢？」

″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″

「您就隨便給我拿一副吧，」這位顧客有點不耐煩了，「反正我太太明天都會來換的。」