英語笑話100篇
1. 英語小笑話帶翻譯100個
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。
英語笑話（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
英語笑話（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」
英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」
英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」
「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」
「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。
英語笑話（七）Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告「年輕者」
這里想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，
千萬別進退休社區。因為那裡人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，「讓小的干吧。」
英語笑話（八）Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how sty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪一位女人？
一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：「世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。」
我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：「媽媽來了？」
英語笑話（九）The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants recing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
醫生住在樓下
「醫生」她沖進屋後大聲說道。
「我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。」
他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：「太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。」
英語笑話（十）One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
只剩一個引擎
一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭里傳來了機長的聲音：「旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時 。」 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：「各位，你們猜怎麼啦 ？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。」 正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：「看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。」
回答者：lovemydream - 高級經理 七級 7-5 10:08
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Logic Reasoning 邏輯推理
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"
邏輯推理
小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這么一個例子：「有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水裡。於是他開始掙扎並喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他並不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什麼？」 一個女生舉手答道，「是不是去取他的存款？」
[注]bank在英語中除了我們平時很熟悉的「銀行」之外，還有「河岸」的意思。
Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？你停止打你老婆了嗎?
This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent『s witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．
「I want『yes』or『no，』」thundered counsel．「There is no need for you to argue the point！」
「But there are some questions which cannot be answered by『yes』or『no，』」mildly responded the witness．
「There are not！」 snapped the lawyer．
「Oh，」 said the witness，「answer this then：「Have you ceased beating your wife？」
這個故事講的是一個咄咄逼人的辯護律師，他慣於盡量去恐嚇對方的證人。
有一個證人有點傾向於在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。
「我要你回答『是』或者『不是』，」辯護律師怒喝道： 「你沒有必要就這個問題進行爭論。」
「可是有些問題無法用『是』或者『不是』來回答。」這位證人溫和地回敬他。
「不存在這樣的問題！」律師厲聲打斷他。
「噢，」證人說：「那麼請你回答這個問題：「你停止打你老婆了嗎？」
Two Birds
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網
"你能告訴我魚網是什麼做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。
昨天夜裡我爸媽表演「混合雙打」
Teacher of Physical Ecation: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？
體育老師：孩子們，你們見過男女混合雙打嗎？
Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.
尼克：見過，老師，經常見。就在昨天夜裡我還見過呢！
Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.
老師：那你給大家講講當時的情形吧。
Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.」
尼克：啊，對不起，老師。我爸爸常說:「家醜不可外揚。」(
抄的..
2. 給幾篇英語小段文！！（小笑話）
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告訴
(2) nest n.窩；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓勵
(5) resemble v. 相似；類似
18.鳥窩與頭發
我姐姐是一位小學老師。一次一個學生告訴她說一隻鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
「是什麼鳥呢？」我姐姐問她。
「我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。」那孩子回答說。
「那麼，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎？」我姐姐鼓勵她道。
「哦，老師，就像你的頭發一樣。」
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。
我剛咬破自己的舌頭
「我們有毒嗎？」一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。
「是的，親愛的，」她回答說，「你問這個干什麼？」
「因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。」
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從後面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正准備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：「總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎？」
英語笑話（一）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。
英語笑話（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
英語笑話（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」
英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」
英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」
「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」
「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。
英語笑話（七）Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告「年輕者」
這里想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，
千萬別進退休社區。因為那裡人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，「讓小的干吧。」
英語笑話（八）Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how sty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪一位女人？
一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：「世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。」
我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：「媽媽來了？」
英語笑話（九）The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants recing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
醫生住在樓下
「醫生」她沖進屋後大聲說道。
「我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。」
他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：「太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。」
英語笑話（十）One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
只剩一個引擎
一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭里傳來了機長的聲音：「旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時 。」 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：「各位，你們猜怎麼啦？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。」 正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：「看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。」
回答者：lovemydream - 高級經理 七級 7-5 10:08
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Logic Reasoning 邏輯推理
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"
邏輯推理
小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這么一個例子：「有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水裡。於是他開始掙扎並喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他並不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什麼？」 一個女生舉手答道，「是不是去取他的存款？」
[注]bank在英語中除了我們平時很熟悉的「銀行」之外，還有「河岸」的意思。
Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？你停止打你老婆了嗎?
This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent『s witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．
「I want『yes』or『no，』」thundered counsel．「There is no need for you to argue the point！」
「But there are some questions which cannot be answered by『yes』or『no，』」mildly responded the witness．
「There are not！」 snapped the lawyer．
「Oh，」 said the witness，「answer this then：「Have you ceased beating your wife？」
這個故事講的是一個咄咄逼人的辯護律師，他慣於盡量去恐嚇對方的證人。
有一個證人有點傾向於在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。
「我要你回答『是』或者『不是』，」辯護律師怒喝道： 「你沒有必要就這個問題進行爭論。」
「可是有些問題無法用『是』或者『不是』來回答。」這位證人溫和地回敬他。
「不存在這樣的問題！」律師厲聲打斷他。
「噢，」證人說：「那麼請你回答這個問題：「你停止打你老婆了嗎？」
Two Birds
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
3. 英語小笑話（帶翻譯）短些
1、Warning
,.
"warn"himthatwewouldbecoming.
Whenwearrivedatthedorm,however,."Forgotwewerecoming,didn『tyou?"Iteased.
"Areyoukidding?"hereplied,"?"
提醒
我們的兒子是密歇根州阿爾馬大學的新生，開學幾個星期之後，我和丈夫決定去看看他。我特意提前給他打電話，「提醒」他我們將光臨。
但是當我們來到宿舍時，他的房間凌亂不堪，我非常吃驚。「忘了我們要來，是吧?」我取笑他。
「開什麼玩笑?「，他回答說，「要不我憑什麼費神打掃?」
2、GroundRules
.
,hesaid,",
soIdon『.Ido,however,『restillrunning."
基本原則
位於吉拉多海角的密蘇里東南州立大學有一位我非常喜歡的老師，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。在對一個新生班級講解他的基本原則時，
他說：「我知道我的講課可能經常會枯燥乏味，了無生趣，所以如果你們在上課時看錶我並不介意。
不過我堅決反對你們將表在課桌上猛敲看它們是不是還在走。」
3、After supper, the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests. At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV,
"Honey, go see if the kitchen light is on or not?"
After a while, her son returned and said, "Ma, the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all."
晚飯後，父親和母親都忙著和客人玩麻將，這時母親忽然想起點兒事來，便對正在看電視的兒子說道：「寶貝，去看看廚房裡的燈是不是還開著呢？」 過了一會兒，兒子回來說：「媽，廚房裡太黑了，我根本就看不見。」
4、Young hopeful：「Father，what is a traitor in politics，Father（aveteranpolitician）：「A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one．」
Young hopeful：「Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？」 Father：「A convert，my son．」
有希望的青年人：「父親，什麼叫政治叛徒？」 父親（一位老資格的政治家）：「叛徒指的是離開我們黨而加入到另一個黨的人。」
有希望的青年人：「那麼，離開他的黨而加入到我們黨的人又叫什麼呢？」 父親：「叫改變信仰者。我的兒子。」
5、I do not know the reason why some people want to get up late. They will never have the opportunity to enjoy (of enjoying) the fresh air and calmness of the morning.
This is indeed a quite regrettable thing.To rise early is a good habit (which) we should cultivate. Why? Because the best time when we can pursue our studies is in the morning.
In addition, early rising is also good to our health. I hope that everybody our knows the reason why we must rise early.
我不知道某些人要晚起的理由。他們永不會有機會來享受早晨的新鮮空氣和寧靜。
這真是一件 發令人遺憾的事情。早起是我們應該養成的一種良好習慣。為什麼？因為早晨是我們從事學業的大好時間。
再者，早起對我們健康也有益處。我希望每個人應該知道我們必須早起的理由。
4. 英語幽默笑話大全
一、我是單身漢
Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt. A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked. "Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor."
傑克騎車摔傷，得住院治療。一位年輕美貌的護士拿著表格讓填。仞傑克填好遞上表格"還有什麼漏填的？"護士問. "有！"傑克想了想說，"我是個單身漢."
二、死於肝癌的人100%都吃飯
Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.
Husband:It's okey. To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat meals.
妻子：你看這張報紙，據統計，死於肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的。
丈夫：那有什麼？據我調查，死於肝癌的人100%都吃飯的。
三、位置上的冰激凌
"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine."
"Yours?Can you prove it?"
"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."
"請原諒，你佔了我的位置."
"你的位置？你能征明這點嗎？"
"能，我在位置上放了杯 冰激凌."
四、別無選擇
One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?"
Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"
一天，夏娃問亞當："你當真愛我嗎？"
亞當無可奈何地回答："我還有的選擇嗎？"
5. 我要英語的小笑話，帶翻譯的
1. Virtue
Many years after receiving my graate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.
When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."
美 德
獲取研究生學位多年以後，我回到位於賓翰頓的紐約州立大學當教員。一天，電梯里很擁擠，有人抱怨電梯效率太低。我說自我在那裡當學生起，20年來電梯一直沒有換過。
最後當電梯門打開時，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回過頭來我看到一位年長的修女正在朝我微笑。「你會拿到學位的，親愛的，」她低聲說道：「堅持不懈是一種美德。」
2. Difference
"I can always tell a graate class from an undergraate class," observed the instructor in one of my graate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graate students just write it down."
區 別
「研究生班和本科生很容易就能區別開來，」在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學給我們研究生上工程學課的老師如此說。「我說『下午好』，本科生們回答說『下午好』。研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上。」
3.Too Long
The travel editor of a newspaper called, saying she was finally using an article I had written several years earlier. She wanted to be sure the tour information was still correct. "I also wanted to make certain," she sheepishly confessed, "that you're still alive. Whenever the writer has died, I know I've held a story too long."
太久
一家報紙的旅行版編輯打開電話，說她終於決定要採用一篇我幾年前寫的文章。她想確定那旅遊信息是否還可靠。「我還想確定，」她怯怯地坦白道：「您是否還健在。每次發現作者已經不在人世了，我才知道我將文章壓得太久了。」
4.Charge for Bread and Butter
Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter. However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for. Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal services.
Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."
Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."
The $1.50 was returned without delay.
麵包和黃油費
幾年前，我當律師的爸爸帶我去紐約的一家高檔餐館。帳單上來時，上面有1.5美元的麵包和黃油費。爸爸付了帳，連同麵包和黃油的收費一齊付了。但是第二天，他給餐館寄了一封信，說那項收費是沒有道理的。隨信還寄上了一張500美元的法律服務機構的收費單。
餐館馬上打來電話，問道：「這500美元的收費單是怎麼回事？我們從來沒有要什麼法律機構的服務。」
爸爸答道，「我也從來沒有要什麼麵包和黃油。」
那1.5美元立即就寄了回來。
5. Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
安眠葯
鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫生，醫生給他開了一些強力安眠葯。
星期天晚上鮑勃吃了葯，睡得很好，在鬧鍾響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達進去，對老闆說：「我今天早上起床一點麻煩都沒有。」
「好啊!」老闆吼道，「那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？」
6. 一篇英語100字左右的幽默笑話
A notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement．
A pupil meeting him said：
「Good evening，professor．How are you？
「Well，」 answered the professor，「I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me．I've been limping for the last half hour．」
16．心不在焉的老師
有一天，人們看見一個有名的心不在焉的老師在路上走，他的一隻腳一直踏在街溝里，另一隻腳踩在人行道上。
一個碰見他的學生說：
「晚安，老師。您怎麼了？」
「啊，」這位老師回答說：「我想我離開家的時候還挺好的，可是現在我不知道出了什麼毛病。我已經一瘸一拐走了半個小時了。」
by Leigh Hunt
I had a schoolmate who had come into school at an age later than usual，and could hardly read．There was a book used by the leaners in reading called「Dialogues between a Missionary and an Indian．」It was a poor performance，full of inconclusive arguments and other commonplaces．The boy in question used to appear with this book in his hand in the middle of the school，the master standing behind him．
The lesson was to begin．The poor fellow，whose great fault lay in a deep toned drawl of his syllable and the omission of his stops，stood half looking at the book，and half casting his eye towards the right of him， whence the blows were to proceed．The master looked over him，and his hand was ready．I am not exact in my quotation at this distance of time ；but the spirit of one of the passages that I recollect was to the following purport，and thus did the teacher and his pupil proceed：
Master．「Now，young man，have a care ；or I'll set you a swingeing task．」（A common phrase of his．）
Pupil（making a sort of heavy bolt at his calamity，and neverremembering his stop at the word「Missionary」）．Missionary Can you see the wind？
（Master gives him a aslap on thehcheek．）
Pupil（raising his voice to a cry，and still forgetting his stop）．「Indian No！」
Master．「Zounds，young man！have a care how you provoke me！」
Pupil（always forgetting the stop）．Missionary How then do you know that there is such a thing？」
（Here a terrible thump．）
Pupil（with a shout of agony）． Indian Because I feel it．」
15．誦讀課
李·亨特
當年我有個同學，入學比常規的年齡要遲，而且幾乎完全不會讀書。那時有個學生用的閱讀課本，叫做《傳教士和印第安人的對話》。課本不怎麼樣，盡是不得要領的論說和一些老生常談。那孩子常常手拿該課本出現在學校中央，身後站著教師。
授課即將開始。那可憐的學生的毛病在於他讀音節時語調深沉地拖長腔並略去應有的停頓。他站立著，三心二意地看著書，一面向身子右邊瞄去，因為打擊將會來自那個方向。教師盯視著他，手已擺出了打人的架勢。因為時隔已久，我的引述可能不很確切，但就我所憶，先生和學生的一次對話的要旨大致如下：
老師：「年輕人，小心點；要不我可要讓你狠狠吃點苦頭。」（這是他的口頭禪。）
學生：（大難臨頭，身體猛然一搖閃，根本記不得在「傳教士」一詞後應該停頓。）「傳教士你能看見風嗎？」
（教師扇了他一耳光。）
學生：（提高了嗓音，幾乎是在哭喊，但仍不記得要停頓）「印第安人不能啊！」
教師：「該死！年輕人，小心點別惹我發火！」
學生：（一如既往漏掉停頓）「傳教士那你怎麼知道有這樣一種東西呢？」
（這時來了重重一擊。）
學生：（痛苦地叫喊）「印第安人因為我感覺到了。」
Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today．
「It works like this，」 she said．「Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance．」She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns．「Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames．See？Bobby Burns！」
「I see what you mean，」 said the class know it all．「But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning？」
14．詩人的名字
我們的老師正在給我們介紹現在某些學校使用的一種新的記憶訓練系統。
「這個系統是這樣的，」她說。「假定你要記住一個詩人的名字——例如，要記住羅伯特·彭斯的名字。」她告訴我們把他當作博比·彭斯。「讓你的腦海里閃現出一個倫敦警察的形象，燃燒著的警察。明白嗎？警察燃燒！」
「我明白你的意思，」班上的萬事通說。「但是你怎麼能說那就不是羅伯特·布朗寧呢？」
Proctor（exceedingly angry）：「So you confess that this unfortunate freshman was carried to this frog pond and drenched？Now what part did you take in this disgraceful affair？」
Soph．（meekly）：「The right leg，sir．」
13．右腿
學監（非常生氣）：「現在你承認這可憐的新生被扔進這蛙池裡，渾身濕透？那麼你在這不光彩的事情里扮演了什麼角色呢？」
二年級學生（恭順地）：「右腿，先生。」
Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation，and the doctor，somewhat nettled，said：「Landon，you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subject．You seem to lack ambition．Why，at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world．」
「Yes，」 said Landon，「he couldn't help it，for you will recall the fact，doctor，that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher．」
12．亞歷山大大帝
蘭登作了一次不成功的朗誦。老師有點不悅，對他說道：
「蘭登，你在這門課上好像進步不大，你好像缺乏志向。亞歷山大大帝在你這個年齡可已經征服了半個世界。」
「是啊，」蘭登說，「他沒法不那樣。博士先生，您回想一下史實，亞歷山大大帝有亞里士多德做他的老師。」
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：「Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today．」
A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the「c」．
Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the「l」．
11．「班」和「笨驢」
格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個通知：「勞里教授今天不會他的班。」
一個學生讀了通知後，擦掉了字母「c」。
後來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母「l」。
Billy and Bobby were small boys．They were brothers，and they often had fights with each other．
Last Saturday their mother said to them，「I'm going to cook our lunch now．Go out and play in the garden—and be good．」
「Yes，Mummy，」 the two boys answered，and they went out．
They played in the garden for half an hour，and then Billy ran into the kitchen．「Mummy，」 he said，「Bobby's broken a window in Mrs．Allen's house．」 Mrs．Allen was one of their neighbors．
「He's a bad boy，」his mother said．「How did he break it？」
「I threw a stone at him，」 Billy answered，「and he quickly moved down．」
10．是他的錯
比利和波比都是小男孩。他們是兄弟，兩人經常打架。
上個星期六，他們的媽媽對他們說：「我現在要做午飯了。去，到花園去玩吧，別淘氣。」
「是，媽媽，」兩個男孩回答，然後他們就出去了。
他們在花園里玩了半個小時，然後比利跑進了廚房。「媽媽，」他說：「波比打碎了艾倫太太家的窗玻璃。」艾倫太太是他們的鄰居。
「他是個壞孩子，」他的媽媽說。「他是怎麼把玻璃打碎的？」
「我朝他扔了一塊石子，」比利回答：「他趕緊蹲下。」
Mr．and Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child．
Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too．
One evening Mr．and Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival．「This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，」said Mr．Taylor．
Pat came into the room just then and said，「What are you talking about？」「We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，」his mother answered．
「 It's no use，」said Pat hopelessly．「 He'll follow us there．」
9．新生兒
泰勒夫婦有一個七歲的男孩，名叫帕特。現在泰勒太太正懷著第二胎。
帕特在別人家看見過嬰兒，他不太喜歡他們，所以他對自己家裡也將有一個嬰兒的消息感到不滿。
一天晚上，泰勒夫婦正在為這個嬰兒的降生計劃做安排。泰勒先生說：「有了嬰兒，我們的房子就太小，不夠住了。」
帕特恰好在這個時候走進屋，他問：「你們在說什麼？」他的母親回答說：「我們在說我們現在得搬家，因為嬰兒就要誕生了。」
「那沒用，」帕特絕望地說。「他會跟我們到那兒去的。」
7. 要幾篇英語短篇笑話，故事，最好有人物對話和旁白，不要太長的100多字就夠了.謝謝。
楊科長：發生在一個MA[ 漆 ]黑的夜晚，這個晚上那真是風高月黑。。。
賊：真是伸手……不見票子啊。。。
楊科長：只聽見「喀啦啦啦啦啦……」
賊：何該啦？[ 怎麼啦？]
楊科長：一個炸雷
賊：嚇得我一滾哪
楊科長：只見「唰啦啦啦啦啦。。。」
賊：又該啦？[ 又怎麼了？]
楊科長：一道長達七分半的閃電
賊：好無聊的閃電， 這么長！
楊科長：又聽見「嘩啦啦啦啦啦。。。」
賊：什麼動靜
楊科長：那是傾盆大雨
賊：呀，正是我下手的好機會
楊科長：遠處傳來「嗚兒嗚兒嗚兒嗚兒。。。」
賊：哎喲，警察來了！
楊科長：哇，是輛救護車
賊：那個開救護車的我警告你啦，我最聽不得這個聲音了啊 ！
楊科長：院子里傳來幾聲狗叫，「旺旺旺旺。。。。」
賊：這是MU子[ 什麼]品種的狗啊~
楊科長：這是我們家養的狼狗。……這幾天我老覺得左眼皮在跳，
賊：左眼[ AI ]跳財
楊科長：右眼皮它有時候也跳
賊：右眼[ AI ]跳災
楊科長：怪就怪在兩個眼皮它一塊跳 ！
賊：這恐怕是中風的前兆啦！
楊科長：不好，怎麼突然停電了
賊：嘻嘻嘻，電線被我剪斷了
楊科長：我電話哪去了
賊：電話被我剪斷了
楊科長：我的狼狗怎麼不叫了
賊：狼狗被我剪斷了
楊科長：我得出去看看，
賊：出來我就把你也剪斷了
楊科長：不好，今天晚上有情況，我得嚴加防範（模仿開門聲音，開鎖、上鎖聲音），
賊：哼，我盯了他一個多月了。。。。哼，這種防盜鎖還是我設計的（模仿開鎖聲音）
楊科長：（模仿門彈回來的聲音）
賊：（被門打到，咳嗽）哎喲，這叫吃了暗虧作不得聲嘍，（站起，推）這是個彈簧門耶。。。我就不信，（又推）
楊科長：（模仿門彈回來的聲音）「嗵。。。」不好，屋子裡有動靜，（來回揮舞手臂，口中配合發出風聲）。。。誰！？。。。（繼續來回揮舞手臂）虛驚一場。沒人吧！
賊：沒人吧，沒人吧，沒人吧，沒人吧。。。
楊科長：我們家多大的房子這么大回聲啊
賊：這么大回聲啊，這么大回聲啊，這么大回聲啊，這么大回聲啊。。。。
楊科長：我走啦
賊：你走吧，你走吧，你走吧，你走吧，你走吧。。。
我（加重）走啦
賊：你（加重）走吧，你走吧，你走吧，你走吧，你走吧。。。
楊科長：這不活見鬼了嗎，（模仿開門聲音，開鎖、關鎖聲音）
賊：哼，被我嚇跑了，看我給他來個一掃空。。。。碰到牆壁。。。這個人真有錢哪。。。牆壁都是軟包的。。。哼。。。不對，這像個保險櫃。。。（模仿開密碼聲音）。。。存摺。。。港幣。。。美元。。。假票子
楊科長：（配合賊的動作，模仿開保險櫃的聲音。。。模仿很多金屬掉地上的聲音）
賊：金條。。。銀條。。。銅條。。。油條（把手一揮，扔掉）。。。我後悔呀，我怎麼沒帶個麻袋來的哪，我發個財容易嗎，我拿衣服包。。。
楊科長：我把他衣服拿到一邊去
賊：。。。我衣服呢。。。是丟在這里的，不可能啊。。。難道有賊呀。。。
楊科長：沒賊
賊：沒賊，我衣服哪去了
楊科長：你就是賊！（模仿開燈聲音）啪！
賊：哎哎喲！哪個開燈啊
楊科長：我開的燈
賊：我剪斷了啊
楊科長：我用的是應急燈。哼，你不是盯了我一個月了嗎，這回見個面吧。。。喲，就這眼神還偷東西
賊：叔叔。。。
楊科長：嗯？
賊：伯伯。。。
楊科長：叫這個沒用
賊：爺爺。。。
楊科長：把我叫老了！
賊：姐夫。。。
楊科長：哎！。。。誰是你姐夫？
賊：我有姐姐一定嫁給你
楊科長：我原來老婆怎麼辦？
賊：她大房，我是二房
楊科長：什麼二房！站好了！
賊：哎
楊科長：立正！稍息。一看就是個老麻雀了。我這有大哥大
賊：哎喲，姐夫哥
楊科長：喂！110嗎，我是姐夫，啊！我是楊科長啊
賊：咳，楊大科長
楊科長：我們家來賊了！被我一網打盡了！
賊：哎呀，那麼一個賊，什麼一網打盡。。。
楊科長：這不是說你！哦，馬上就來？越快越好！110馬上來，跟警察叔叔交代交代吧
賊：楊大科長
楊科長：嗯
賊：我也是沒有辦法
楊科長：嗯
賊：我上有十八歲的老母，下有八十歲的兒女
楊科長：你們家亂套了吧
賊：我想當工人吧，我又沒手藝
楊科長：哦
賊：當農民吧我又怕累，我擺個檳榔攤子吧還不夠我吃
楊科長：你就是好吃懶做
賊：我想開個金器店吧，我又沒貨
楊科長：那你怎麼辦哪？
賊：還不是各家各戶進點貨嘛
楊科長：這就是偷啊！
賊：偷他來得快呀。。。
楊科長：搶銀行來得還快
賊：那死得快。。。
楊科長：（模仿開槍聲音）嘭！
賊：啊？
楊科長：快點！
賊：啊？
楊科長：把東西給我拿出來！
賊：好好，這六十萬的存摺。。。你真的有錢哪
楊科長：什麼錢。。。
賊：四十八個金戒指
楊科長：呵呵。。。
賊：你拿腳帶都帶不完
楊科長：我當耳環
賊：六十個金項鏈。。。你小小個科長，怎麼發這么大的冤鬼財哪？
楊科長：發什麼財，常在河邊走哪有不濕鞋的，既然濕了鞋，我就洗個腳，既然洗個腳，我就洗個澡，越洗越邋遢，乾脆一通亂搞。。。。
賊：你是亂搞亂發財的咯
楊科長：發什麼財，小小的公僕，老黃牛。。。
賊：你這個牛棚真夠大的哈
楊科長：哎？是我審你呢，是你審我？
賊：立正！稍息！一看就是個老麻雀。。。楊大科長！楊大貪污犯！你還跟我羅哩吧嗦，啊？110馬上就到了，到時候我揭發你就算我立個功！我讓你變成。。。哼哼哼。。。
楊科長：你別忘了你是賊！
賊：你也不是什麼好東西！我抓進去過兩天就能放出來
楊科長：那我抓進去可就出不來了。。。哎呀，救命啊。。。姐夫
賊：你喊哪個姐夫
楊科長：我喊你作姐夫。。。我有姐姐一定嫁給你
賊：呸！
楊科長：你老吐唾沫，不講衛生，罰款！我告訴你。
賊：你都老成這樣了，你姐姐還怎麼嫁給我啦
楊科長：老姐夫老姐夫。。。。求求你，我也就是個小小的芝蔴官，揩點芝麻油，吃點芝麻醬，喝點芝麻糊嘛！我求求你，等會兒警察來了，你別醒我的門子，我也不說你是賊，咱們兩下都好，不就完了嗎
賊：你什麼意思
楊科長：到時候，你就說你是我姐夫。。。
賊：我怎麼是你姐夫！
楊科長：那我是你姐夫！
賊：呸！
楊科長：你怎麼老亂吐唾沫！罰款！
賊：我是你爹！
楊科長：哪有這么年輕的爹咯！
賊：認賊作父嘛
楊科長：你就說咱倆是雙胞胎不就完了嗎
賊：我們兩個差這么遠，怎麼會是雙胞胎！？
楊科長：警察叔叔，我們倆是那長得不像的怪胎！呵呵呵。。。一家人，一場誤會，沒事啦！拜拜！
賊：然後呢？
楊科長：警察叔叔就走了
賊：然後呢
楊科長：然後你就走了
賊：再然後呢
楊科長：我就跑了。。。
賊：立正！
楊科長：干什麼？
賊：你跑了我怎麼辦！
楊科長：你。。。的意思。。。
賊：賊不走空
楊科長：啊？
賊：你就各家各戶進貨
楊科長：嗯？
賊：一九分成
楊科長：好，給你百分之十
賊：你神經吧你，
楊科長：嗯？
賊：我九你一
楊科長：你九我一？
賊：嗯？
楊科長：我辛辛苦苦幾十年，讓你一偷偷到解放前啦！
賊：你給不給？
楊科長：不給！
賊：不給啊，110哎！
楊科長：哎哎。。。（捂住賊口）。。。一半！
賊：好多？
楊科長：一半！
賊：說的得算，快點拿錢！
楊科長：不行，我給你錢，你照樣醒我門子
賊：哎呀，你放心，我是洞庭湖的老麻雀，見過風哪
楊科長：那咱們再練習一遍
賊：怎麼練習，你這個人就是麻煩
楊科長：我現在就是警察。你！
賊：啊？
楊科長：干什麼的？
賊：哎呀，政府、幹部，哎喲，我冤枉哪。。。
楊科長：這還沒審你呢，你哭什麼呢你？
賊：哦，搞慣了
楊科長：還是老麻雀。你！
賊：啊？
楊科長：跟他什麼關系？
賊：我是他爹。。。啊啊啊。。。他是我爹。。。不不不。。。我們是雙胞胎。。。
楊科長：雙胞胎？他長得怎麼這么老啊？
賊：他？
楊科長：嗯！
賊：他早熟！。。。他吃錯了葯。。。
楊科長：你才吃錯了葯。你長得怎麼這么難看哪？
賊：我職業病
楊科長：什麼職業？
賊：賊眉鼠眼
楊科長：你干什麼來了？
賊：我是來進貨的
楊科長：進什麼貨的？
賊：還不是六十萬的存摺，四十八個金戒指，六十條金項鏈。。。
楊科長：行了！你全說出來了
賊：我記起來了，他還偷了我一件衣服呢！
（楊科長說的一些話可以改成旁白）
8. 簡單的英語小笑話(帶翻譯）
1、Boy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. 男孩：這個座位是空的么？ 女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。
2、Boy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money. 男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？ 女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。
3、My little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字。布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！ 布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」
4、My Wife Will Exchange Them。A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves. ″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson. ″Makes no difference ″replied customer. ″What color﹖″ asked the clerk. ″Any″ he responded.
″Size﹖″ ″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″
反正我太太明天會來換的。一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。 「您是要布的還是皮的？」售貨員問。 「沒什麼區別。」這位顧客回答。 「那您要什麼顏色的呢？」售貨員又問。「什麼顏色都成。」他回答。 「號碼呢？」 「您就隨便給我拿一副吧，」這位顧客有點不耐煩了，「反正我太太明天都會來換的。」
5、A physics Examination，Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard. The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunder rolls?
Nick『s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考試。在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。這個問題是：為什麼在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。
6、Jim』s History Examination。Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him things that happened before the poor boy was born.
吉姆的歷史考試。舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎麼樣？母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問一些這個可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。
7、he is really somebody。-- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do?-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物。-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？-- 墓地守墓人。
(8)英語笑話100篇擴展閱讀：
笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節簡單而巧妙，往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑神來了的奇妙感覺的特點。大多揭示生活中乖謬的現象，具有諷刺性和娛樂性。其趣味有高下之分。
人類歷史上，人自從有了語言，就已經出現了開玩笑的語言，最早，人們以口相傳，後來有了文字，許多笑話便被記載下來，編書成冊。但還有很多笑話，是流傳於民間的，就當今社會，每天都有很多笑話出現，有心人如果收集，我想將來一定會有價值。
同時豐富了笑話的寶庫。隨著近十年網路和手機的飛速發展，隨之出現了網路笑話，網路流行語，給力大全，手機笑話，雷人語句，笑料聯盟等，促使笑話發展到一個新的階段。
9. 急需一篇英文笑話小短文，字數大約100字左右，要帶翻譯的，謝謝啊
Xiaohua started to learn English about 6 months ago and is now eager to practice his English whenever and whereever he can. Today is Sunday, as usual, Xiaohua came to the central park to find chances of practicing his English. Accidently, he bumped into an American tourist.
"I am sorry," said Xiaohua.
"I am sorry too (two)," replied the American tourist. Thinking that using numbers may indicate the degree of apology, Xiaohua continued,
"I am sorry three." Confused by Xiaohua's remarks, the American tourist asked,
"What are you sorry for (four)?"
"I am sorry five," Xiaohua quickly replied.
曉華6個月前開始學習英文。他現在急於找機會練習他的
英文。今天是星期天，同往常（以往的星期天）一樣，曉華來到了中央公園尋找機會練習英文。一u不小心，他走路時碰撞到了一位美國遊客。
「對不起，」 曉華對美國遊客說。
「我也對不起，」 美國遊客對曉華說。
由於英文里的「也」與「2」發音相似，曉華以為在英文里，數字可以用來表達「更誠懇的道歉。 曉華接著對美國遊客說，
」對不去3。「
對於曉華的講話有點迷惑，美國遊客問道：
」你為啥對不起。「
由於英文里的「為啥」與「4」發音相似，曉華立即回答說：
「對不起5。」